I want to provide you with one additional resource. There is a blogger named Pam who blogs at the site Willful Grace.

Pam was in pretty much the same place that you are at one point. She happily discussed her marriage to a man that, though same-sex attracted, had found a way to embrace his marriage to her. But while she shared her husband’s story, she never gloated or sought to hurt gay people. And she never let her devotion to God get in the way of her love of others or her compassion.

We’ve followed Pam’s story as her husband found the pressures to be too great, her separation and divorce, and now her exploring of possible new romance. While this experience has shaded her views on love, marriage, and orientation, through it all, she has been the embodyment of decency, humility, and grace.

Though her current views on sexuality may not mirror those of yourself or your husband, I would never hesitate to recommend Pam as a resource to you. She’s a truly wonderful person and she has the experience to be able to talk with you without any pressure to influence you.

Thank you both for your kind words. I will look into the Straight Spouse Network. I am trying to open a dialogue with my husbands mother and wish to do this with love and kindness. This issue has been a difficult time for my husband’s family from the time of his telling them about his homosexuality through the time of his telling of our engagemente a space of about 18 years.

Courage is a wonderful group. Of course it may seem difficult to some as it’s main purpose it to help and encourage those with same sex attraction live chaste lives if they have no desire to or are unable to persue heterosexual marriage. This is the teaching of the Catholic church. This approach is not for all but I have met many of the local members who appear to be leading contented and even happy and fulfilled lives knowing they are living their faith to the best of their ability.

thank you for sharing such an intimate part of your life.

I am happy to hear good things about Courage. I’ve long thought that their approach was more respectful of individuals than that of some of the more evangelical ex-gay groups.

I do want to bring to your attention another organization, the Straight Spouse Network, which is organized to meet the needs of mixed-orientation couples and straight spouses of gay persons. I don’t know too much about them other than that they appear to be fairly non-judgmental about the choices that couples make and seem to provide resources and community for people like yourself.

If at some point either of you feel that you don’t have anyone to talk to or need resources, they may be able to either provide assistance or guide you to who can.

I echo Jim in wishing the both of you much happiness.

“But we define who we are.”

Wow. Those six words are more powerful than anything else anyone can say.

Thank you for sharing your story. We wish you and your husband well in all things.

At the request of a man with same sex attraction we attended a “Love Won Out” conference with him. There did not seem to be much support for those who are gay and lesbian and I think he walked out with even more confusion than he went in with. I found it a very emotional experience but also a disturbing one. There were too many absolutes stated and too much focus on why people are attracted to members of the same sex. I don’t think it’s that easy to define. Each case is as different as the person involved. I would have liked to hear more open acknowledgement of the fact that same sex attraction does not just stop and go away. Perhaps in some situations this may happen I don’t know, my own experience is limited.

I’m sure my husband loves me very much, some things cannot be faked. And he certainly doesn’t seem to have difficulty with sexual attraction or intercourse with me. However, he doesn’t like to look at advertisements of half naked men and avoids temptations of this kind. The same way a heterosexual married man might avoid the temptation of other women. Or a strict dieter will not buy cake and cookies to keep on hand in the house. In other words, although less than it used to be, he still has same sex attractions and understands that he might continue to do so his whole life. He also understands he is a mature adult who, by his own will makes certain decisions regarding his actions.

It is difficult for us because my husband’s mother is part of a religious group that advocates gay marriage and acceptance into her church. Not that I think this is a bad thing but she believes we should not be married, that my husband should “accept who he is” and settle down with a nice man. But we define who we are. My husband spent years in therapy and thankfully found many supportive priests (I have heard many horror stories) and other men with same sex attraction in the Catholic group Courage, with whom he could share his doubts and his feelings. Ultimately he felt unsatisfied and unfullfilled in a homosexual relationship but knew he desired intimacy and sensuality and a family. Every life journey is as different as every person.

Basically I have enjoyed this website because of the broad view I haven’t found on other sites on either side of the issue. And I enjoyed this article as it seems to express some of my own feelings about the conference.

Thank you for the most unbiased view I have found so far.

Not just incongruent with ours, incongruent with common usage. When someone says “change is possible, you don’t have to be gay” it requires you to rework what both change and gay mean.
To most people gay = someone who is sexually, emotionally, and romantically attracted to members of their own sex. Therefore “change” would mean going from being 100% gay to 100% straight, that the attractions change through sheer will.
In the bizarre world of ex-gay ministry they use the uncommon belief that gay is actually an identity, like republican, or class clown, and involves a set of common behaviors or habits. To give up that indentity, and behaviors, and instead embrace a different identity and attempt to form what are believed to be stereotypical straight habits the ex-gay industry says folks have “changed” even though the attractions never, ever, do. Every scientific study, even the Jones and Yarhouse admits that every single one of the “success” stories still experiences homosexual attractions.
Your industry uses their very own definition of both “gay” and “change’ but NEVER EXPLAINS THIS NEW DEFINITION in any advertising or anything else released to the general public.

“But your statement implies there is a commonly agreed upon language to begin with. There isn’t.”
You’re not idiots, you’re banking on people having the common definitions of gay and change, and hoping that phrases like “you don’t have to be gay, change is possible” will lead them to you.
If you sincerely thought that there are “no commonly agreed upon language to begin with” you would be outlining what your specific definition is, much like the drug commercials that explain what the medication does and does NOT do up front.
It’s obvious, how many people would be motivated by “You don’t have to identify as gay, you can change the way you view yourself and restrict your actions!” Much like any snake oil salesman and used car dealer, what you’re not saying is way more important than what you are saying.

It would be great help if I could get some clarity on the real issues…

I was in the confessional and telling my pastor that I had come to the conclusion that I was gay. He tried to get me to back off of that identification fully expecting me to have shame at the thought. Instead, I was almost giddy from no longer struggling against myself (not with homosexuality, but against myself). That didn’t set well with him; and I got warned about the “gay lifestyle.” To which I offered this missive, “Lifestyle? If anything my lifestyle is as a farmer.”

That confession didn’t end well… I wanted to get back and talk with him, my pastor was also my 3rd cousin; I wanted to explain why I was so happy and what I meant to do with that happiness. But work got in the way, and then a couple of weeks later my cousin died. Since then things haven’t been the same between me and the Church.