…it makes me wonder, what is your typical gay guy? I’ve known plenty who–superficially–fit recognizable stereotypes, but at least as many who didn’t. Maybe the smallness of the GLBT community makes it easy to stereotype. People assume that if they’ve seen one they’ve seen ‘em all, so any minor commonality (or perceived commonality) becomes magnified.

I can’t count the number of times I’ve heard “But you don’t act gay.”

I think we still have alot of work to do to overcome the public perception that all gays act a certain way, namely, that all gay men are effeminate, and that are lesbians are bull dykes.

Jason D said:

It’s not fair to blame hollywood, entertainers are drawn to the limelight, it’s where they live. If they weren’t interested in being out, proud, and big — they wouldn’t be in the public eye, period. If we took Ellen or Elton down a few notches — their careers would end immediately, because no one would pay attention to a mild-mannered person of any orientation.

I disagree with this assessment. I would offer The Cosby Show, a series showing an African American family being “normal” and “mundane”, as being a huge catalyst for overcoming anti-black stereotypes in average joe white America.

I think Will and Grace was a start in that direction, but it pandered to stereotypes, and it took 7 seven seasons to show the title character in any kind of relationship with anyone other than his fag-hag.

I agree with Ben in Oakland that coming out of the closet is our best weapon in overcoming stereotypes. The more of us there are in the public eye, the more difficult it will be for the anti-gays to say “all gays are perverts and child molesters, and they all die from aids before they’re 40.”

I think we owe it to ourselves and our community, and to future James Stabiles to be out in public.

I don’t mean that should all be marching down Main Street every day shouting “I’m here and I’m queer.” I have had alot of success with every-day things like going to a restaurant and instead of saying “both of us on the same check please” saying “we’re together”.

I’ve also been recently trying to increase my support for businesses that are gay friendly, and when I go there, I mention that I saw their add in the local gay paper, or something like “thanks for supporting our community.”

Priya– the closet is what gives them their power. They would have far less to work with if they didn’t have the active participation of gay people– and their friends and relatives– by means of the closet.In other words, we participate in our own oppression if we do not stand up for ourselves, as ourselves, and if necessary, by ourselves.

But other than that, you’re right. :)

I discovered last month a website for gay video game enthusiasts!

I check it out all the time if you’re talking about the one I’m thinking of, but websites only go so far, though far enough for me usually.

Most of my gay friends I’ve met sort of tangentially as a result of my primary interests, not the other way around where I knew they were gay first.

I do think it depends on the city as Jarred alludes to. Where I’m at doesn’t seem very active and consequently not very diverse.

Like I said, it’s probably mostly me, and I’m not extroverted enough to put those suggestions to motion, though they’re great advice.

the enemy is not the Christian right and the garden variety homobigots. The eneme is, and always has been, the closet.

Ahhh, no, the enemy is the christian right, homobigots, and the closet.

I don’t think there is such an animal. There are the more vocal, more visible gays, but that’s not to say the rest are all closet cases.

The problem is obvious. Regular, run of the mill people don’t stand out. It’s one of the defining characteristics of regular people — they’re either not exhibitionists, or not much of an exhibitionist — so they blend into the background of everyone else.

It’s not fair to blame hollywood, entertainers are drawn to the limelight, it’s where they live. If they weren’t interested in being out, proud, and big — they wouldn’t be in the public eye, period. If we took Ellen or Elton down a few notches — their careers would end immediately, because no one would pay attention to a mild-mannered person of any orientation.

It’s also a self-fullfiling cycle. Gay guy feels like he’s not “gay enough” (or whatever way you wish to put it). He attempts to participate but is too self-conscious to really have fun and be active. He retreats from the gay community, perhaps he finds a likeminded partner and they move far from gay life — and also far from impressionable mild-mannered gay youth as well. Who will then grow up, see no gays-like-me, and repeat the process of feeling self conscious, retreating, and removing themsleves from the gay community.

You can’t really fault someone for not liking drag queens, showtunes, dance clubs, or any of the other popular gay interests, but I think it’s myopic to think that’s all there is to the gay community.

Having been to the pride parade in Chicago almost every year for the past 9 years, I can tell you the community is much more diverse than you’d expect. I mean, the rainbow is our flag for a REASON. The marchers in the chicago pride parade aren’t just the usual bronzed gymrats, leathermen, dykes on bikes, and drag queens — no sir — there is a plethora of religious, political, social, fraternal, athletic, non-profit, and even, professional groups marching. Surely there’s a group for every gay person? There’s even two GOP gay groups, for pete’s sake! I discovered last month a website for gay video game enthusiasts! In the pride parade there were gay jews marching, and gay nurses, and gay firemen, and gay police…etc. If a gay group doesn’t exist for you, perhaps you’re not looking hard enough…or perhaps you should step forward and make one! The only reason these groups exist is because gay people decided to give it a try…..and they found they weren’t so completely different and alone in the gay community as they originally thought.

And that’s our answer, in my opinion, to the dilemma of the mild-mannered LGBT person. Instead of looking around and seeing nothing you want to do, bring what you DO want, what you DO like into the gay community. I wonder how many youths were saved from attempts at therapy by seeing a gay fireman and saying “oh…so I can be gay and be a fireman.” That fireman might have been scared or self-conscious, too, but at some point he stood up in his own way and made a difference.

Even at the pride events I’ve attended have shown a great diversity of people attending and groups and organizations represented. Sure I saw the guys in leather getup and the drag queens. But I also saw people in jeans, shorts, and even the occasional business suit. At our local pride picnic, I saw couples wandering around with their dogs and their kids.

Maybe the gay community needs to be a bit more welcoming. And maybe “average Joes” need to be a bit more visible in offering something beyond the “fringe show” everyone seems to know about. But at the same time, I do sometimes wonder if those who seem to think the “fringe show” is all the gay community has to offer them have spent much time exploring that community. Because I’ve found that where I am at least — and again, maybe Rochester is somehow unique — there’s certainly a lot more to be seen by anyone who gives the community more than a cursory glance.

Of course, I’ll also admit that one of the informal groups that offers a serious number of social opportunities was created by a couple of people who simply got tired of there being nothing they were interested in doing. So they threw out a few ideas among friends and started something. And sometimes, that’s what it takes, too.

When I first came out in the ’70′s, the bars were what there were. When I moved to San Francisco in 1975, I fully began to experience the “band of brothers” (and sisters, too) idea of gay liberation. It was exhilirating, and helped me find my path as a gay man.

I still feel that way– sometimes. but the reality now, if not then, is that the “band of brothers” is a myth. The brothers are there to be had, but not everyone in Castro Village is one.

Our young people still have to find their way, whether in the gay world or in the straight world.

It would be nice if we could just give it to them as a gift: “Here is your band of brothers, awaiting your arrival to give you love and support and your perfect gay life.”

But we can’t, and we couldn’t give it to them even if they were straight.

If we want to help these young people, then the best thing we can do is to be out and visible as happy gay people, in every sphere of our lives.

As I have said before, the enemy is not the Christian right and the garden variety homobigots. The eneme is, and always has been, the closet.

Regan, that’s a very instructive and thought-provoking analogy. I’m probably not typical, but if I notice a couple of black co-workers in my office talking, I assume it’s for the same reasons I’d talk to them or to any other co-worker. Maybe it’s a work-related conversation, maybe it’s not. Regardless it’s none of my business why any two co-workers are talking–unless I happen to be one of them.