Box Turtle Bulletin

Growing Up Gay Attending Coastline Bible Church, Day II of IV

"The Harm Of Trying To Fit Into Someone Else's Mold"

Daniel Gonzales

October 7th, 2009

Here is today’s installment of my series looking at my childhood church’s harmful teachings which ultimately lead me to seek out ex-gay therapy.

Churches like Coastline Bible Church like to present a single model for what makes up an acceptable family — this is generally at the expense of single parent households, other family members raising kids, blended families, unmarried partners, people who remain single or don’t procreate, and of course LGBT folk like me.

Today’s video looks at how the church sends the message to non-conformers like me that I am inferior unless I bend my life to fit their model. As you’ll see bending one’s life to such extreme degrees can result in things breaking.

There’s a term for this attitude, Heterosexism: the presumption that straight two-parent households are superior to all other family life arrangements. And in case you haven’t already heard about it, Soulforce, Box Turtle Bulletin, Truth Wins Out and a few other groups are having an entire conference about the underlying heterosexism of exgay programs next in Florida called the Anti-Heterosexism Conference.  Of course I’ll be there.

Part I, “What My Church Taught Me About My Sexuality”
Part II, “The Harm Of Trying To Fit Into Someone Else’s Mold”
Part III, “Distrusting Science When It Doesn’t Agree With Your Faith”
Part IV, “Gender Conformity And Giving In To Peer Pressure”

Willful Blindness

Timothy Kincaid

May 11th, 2009

I sometimes wonder how anti-gay activists can knowingly and purposefully say things that simply are not true. I wonder how they can see the decency and normalcy of gay people and yet ascribe to them the most evil intentions and agenda.

Somehow these folks have created a world in which the evidence before their eyes is far less important than a blind faith in the opposite. They choose to believe that all that they see in front of them or hear from those who know is to be discounted, dismissed, and argued away unless it fits with their pre-conceived view of existence.

I believe that a faith that cannot subject itself to scrutiny is not a faith at all; rather it is based in fear – a fear that it we look too closely and see too clearly that what have always believed may disappear leaving us without a foundation or protection, alone. So those whose faith is fear must seek self-blindness, willfully.

Today I ran across an example, a truly tragic story. Cherie Rowe, a volunteer for ex-gay group Exodus International, tells of her struggle over the past 13 years to deal with her daughter’s homosexuality.

Now this is not a tale of “that dangerous lifestyle”. The daughter has a “sweet partner”, wonderful friends who have become family to her, and still tries to keep a relationship with her mother. But despite recognizing that her daughter has a blessed life, Cherie still longs that God work a miracle and remove all that goodness from her daughter.

I do confess that seeing their demonstrations of affection to one another is sometimes difficult, but God’s amazing grace allows me to accept them and love them without approving of their lifestyle.

I am so aware of how I might have been swayed by the tides of emotion in favor of these same sex relationships, had I not been rooted and grounded in the infallible Word of God.

The extent to which Cherie Rowe’s self-absorption is present on the page is astonishing. And no doubt that ability to see the world only in terms of herself has given her certainty that she and her faith are absolute, steadfast in the face of all evidence to the contrary – so she is careful not to see it.

She is so “rooted and grounded” that she can see love and think that it is evil. She is so “rooted and grounded” that she thinks that her own selfish desire to control her daughter is a passion to see God glorified.

Prayers for Bobby

Timothy Kincaid

January 6th, 2009

A study just found a sharp distinction between the behavior of gay teens with accepting parents and those who were rejected by their parents. One story of the consequences that can come from religion-based rejection is being told in Prayers for Bobby.

On August 27, 1983, Bobby Griffith took his own life. This was the end of his four year struggle to reconcile his orientation with the pressures from his family to pray his gay away.

But Bobby left behind extensive diaries. And a distraught mother.

Unlike some parents who, when confronted with the destructive nature of their rejection, seek to absolve themselves and blame their children, Mary Griffith was shocked into self-evaluation. And the result of her journey of discovery was life-changing. Mary recognized that she had been instrumental in her son’s distruction and decided to become an activist for the care and support of gay teens and for changing the attitudes of parents.

In 1995 came the book, Prayers for Bobby: A Mother’s Coming to Terms with the Suicide of Her Gay Son.

Now on January 24th, Lifetime Channel will be tell Mary’s story (starring Sigourney Weaver). The network has been heavily promoting this movie and let’s hope that many many families are watching.

Carol Boltz’s Blog

Jim Burroway

December 9th, 2008

On Monday, we presented Ray Boltz’s new video, “Don’t Tell Me Who To Love.” That video and single came out just a few months after Boltz, a popular Contemporary Christian Music singer, came out of the closet publicly. He had come out privately some years earlier to his wife and other close associates.

Carol Boltz has been through a lot over the past few years. It’s one thing for the straight spouse to deal with a husband who has had to tell her that he’s gay. It’s quite another thing entirely when that husband is a well-known public figure.

Carol has a blog now, and she’s telling her side of the story. It’s a tremendous act of courage, as well as support:

Today I realized that I have recently signed two comments on my friend, Peterson’s, blog, with the closing, “my heart goes out to you.” I was responding to another wife, like me, of a gay man. She, like me, had all of the emotions to deal with when this deep secret was revealed. I can’t know how best to help this woman, but I knew that I could identify and share what has helped me. By closing in the way I did, I hope that she knows that someone else has been where she is today, and I lived through it.

Somehow I have made it out of my Christian fundamentalism, and the misconceptions of homosexuality that I had previously known, to a bigger understanding of gay people. My faith has been shaken, but it is still there. Without sounding presumptuous, and I surely don’t have all the answers to so many questions, I have grown more than I even thought or dreamed possible.

Many things have helped me in the past [almost] four years, and there are ways that hope has entered my life and my heart. I hope that I can offer that to other wives of gay men, and perhaps to my friends who read this, too.

Her blog is not only heartfelt and courageous, but it also has some great gems of simple common sense:

Speaking up for gay marriage, it is my belief that besides all the reasons mentioned in this article, it would make more sense for gay people to marry gay people, than for them to marry straight ones.

This is a blog by a woman who is still trying to sort things out from a very difficult position. I hope you will visit, read, and learn — and offer your words of support.

[Hat tip: Peterson Toscano. Even though Carol is my Facebook friend, I'm embarrassed to say I didn't know about her blog.]

Truth In Upcoming “Day Of Truth” Hard To Find

A Box Turtle Bulletin Original Video

Daniel Gonzales

April 21st, 2008

The religious right legal group Alliance Defense Fund started an anti-gay “Day of Truth” in response to the pro-gay “Day of Silence.” The “Day of Truth” is little more than an excuse to push ex-gay misinformation on queer youth in public schools which prompted me to make a video examining and mocking ideas promoted by the “Day of Truth.”

Video: Inside “Love Won Out”

In this multi-part series of videos Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Love Won Out.

Daniel Gonzales

April 6th, 2008

Everyone has a personal narrative of how they would like their life to turn out. Oftentimes we have narratives for the lives of our loved-ones, including parents who have narratives for their children. When some of these children are gay and come out of the closet the narratives their parents held are oftentimes shattered. As Jim points out, Love Won Out does little to help this.

Parents’ Narratives For The Lives Of Their Children

Video: Inside The Exodus International “Freedom Conference”

Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Exodus' 2007 annual conference

Daniel Gonzales

February 21st, 2008

Jim and I are jetting off to Memphis later today and Timothy is skiing in Tahoe so here’s something to hold you over till I can start blogging from Memphis tomorrow.

In this video Jim recounts the attitude parents at the Exodus Freedom Conference with gay and lesbian children. Jim likens their level of emotion to a death in the family. I’ll let Jim elaborate:

How Can My Child Be Gay?

Video: Inside “Love Won Out”

In this multi-part series of videos Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Love Won Out.

Daniel Gonzales

December 16th, 2007

In this segment Jim recounts Nancy Heche’s speech in which she describes praying her daughter, Anne Heche, out of lesbianism. This is one of the most bizarre moments of Love Won Out so we’ll let Nancy’s do her own talking, here’s the video:

Wisconsin’s “Anti-Family” Activist

Timothy Kincaid

December 10th, 2007

Anti-gay activists know that public opposition to gay marriage seldom includes opposition to some other method of recognition for gay couples. So naturally they try to lump marriage in with civil unions or other vehicles when they prepare their amendments to ban recognition.

As lumping is not allowable under some states’ constitutions, these all inclusive amendments are often challenged. Leading the charge in Wisconsin is a relatively unknown University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh political science instructor, Bill McConkey, who thinks that Wisconsonites would never have voted to ban civil unions and that the amendment is thus unconstitutional.

Anti-gay activists often wail and moan about secular progressive, anti-Christian, anti-family homosexuals trying to overturn the will of the people. But according the the Star Tribune, Bill doesn’t meet their stereotype.

Q: You’ve described yourself as a Christian, straight, married, father of seven. You’re kind of an unlikely figure to be leading the charge on gay rights.

A: I’ve also been a Republican all my life, and people have said, that’s certainly a conflict but I don’t think so. The reason I don’t is because it’s consistent with my view of human dignity and human rights as opposed to government and the power of government. This is really an overreaching amendment.

Q: What was your motivation to file suit?

A: I thought it was horrible when it first came out, because of the implication of the precedent that it sets. If you don’t like gay people, who’s next? Short people? Or maybe we can go back to black people or to Jews or something. As a student of history and as an educated person, I know the history and the implications of that mind-set. It began with that. I also have a gay daughter. People have asked me, would you have filed this suit if it wasn’t for your daughter? To be real honest, maybe not. Maybe I would have just ranted and raved in my classrooms and written letters to the editor and fumed off to the side. But because of her, it also became a personal issue and I feel like I’m fighting for my kid. I’m a family man above all.

Although anti-gay activists like to hide behind the term “pro-family”, I think Bill McConkey illustrates what being pro-family is all about. Oh, and he doesn’t do a half-bad job of showing what “Republican principles” of governmental non-interference really look like.

Pro-Ex-Gay Preacher’s Daughter Speaks Out

Timothy Kincaid

September 4th, 2007

It’s a ‘chicken or the egg’ question; what comes first, anti-gay extremism or a child’s sexual orientation?

It seems almost more than coincidental that there are so many anti-gay activists with gay children ranging from Eagle Forum’s Phyllis Schafly and Operation Rescue’s Randall Terry to ex-gay proponants like PFOX’s Regina Griggs and NARTH’s Charles Socarides. Oddly, none of the anti-gay or ex-gay leaders have ever had a child that succeeded in changing their orientation.

We recently told you about Sal Roggio, the Cumberland County, NJ, preacher who is bringing in ex-gay Greg Quinlan to “explain that homosexuality is a changeable behavior”. Rev. Roggio wanted “folks to come in and know there’s hope.”

I guess it’s really not all that surprising that Sal Roggio’s daughter Sharon is a lesbian. As reported by NBC10 she just couldn’t remain silent in the face of her father’s public crusade.

“I love my father and want only happiness for him,” Sharon Roggio said. “But I cannot stand silent and allow false statements against gay and lesbian people to be made any longer.”

If You Think Your Parents Are Bad…

Timothy Kincaid

August 13th, 2007

Patrick Atkins knew that his family was judgmental and unaccepting.  And he knew that after 25 years together, Brett Conrad was the person he trusted to love, honor and cherish him.  But he did not know that he would suffer a ruptured aneurysm on a business trip which would leave him mentally impaired at the age of 47.

And so, like many gay couples, Brett and Patrick did not prepare the extensive and often expensive legal documents that would have given each other the protection and control over their own lives.  And now Patrick’s illness is a stark illustration of what can happen if legal protections are forgotten and family members are allowed to put their own biases above your happiness or care:

Conrad traveled to the Atlanta hospital to be with Atkins but was soon denied access by the family. Hospital staff defied the family’s wishes and let Conrad visit Atkins during off-hours.

Atkins eventually was moved to a nursing facility in Carmel, where Conrad would arrive after regular visiting hours so the Atkinses would not see him.

He filed his guardianship request in June 2005. That November, the Atkinses moved Patrick into their home and have since refused to let Conrad visit. They also have refused his phone calls.

It is inarguable that the Atkinses are cruel people. And their behavior cannot be justified. And, sadly, as long as gay couples are denied the easy remedy of marriage and instead are subjected to legal barriers and multiple forms, this story will repeat itself.

So each of us take a moment to ask ourselves if we trust those who have legal claim to us to honor and respect our lives. And if the answer is “no” then take the steps necessary to protect yourself from those who might believe that their dogma or bigotry can justify any level of cruelty.

(hat tip to reader David)

Sometimes Bigots Create Their Own Enemies

Timothy Kincaid

August 7th, 2007

Sometimes decent people get so annoyed at bigotry that they feel compelled to respond.  When Bill Mills, mayor of the 12,000 residents of Truro, Nova Scotia, decided that his “Christian beliefs” compelled him to not fly a rainbow flag over City Hall it so annoyed and embarrassed heterosexual resident Sharon Farrell that she organized a protest to show her solidarity and support for her gay neighbors.

Well the haters weren’t going to take that lying down.  They hunted down her number and called to give her a piece of their mind.  Unfortunately they got the wrong person, Sharon Laura Farrell.  After hearing the vile comments left for her namesake, Ms. Farrell No. 2 felt she had to do something:

Ms. Farrell then sent the other Sharon Farrell, the rally organizer, a message on her Facebook account in which she detailed the calls. They later met at the rally.

“I was very impressed with her. She is very sincere and she was aghast that anyone would go to such great lengths to get a phone number or to make phone calls like that. I was impressed by her stand. It got me involved.”

Transexual Children and Exodus

Timothy Kincaid

June 27th, 2007

Paula Zahn NOW offers a chance to hear from people who matter, talking about the most pressing, most relevant and most essential topics of the day. – CNN

Tonight at 8:00 pm Eastern Time the people who matter will include Alan Chambers, President of Exodus International and Dr. Warren Throckmorton. Also interviewed were a board member of the Transyouth Family Advocates and her 7 year old affirmed female daughter. The subject matter will be

Boys who want to be girls, women who want to be men and gays who want to be straight. Uncovering changing attitudes and changing lifestyles.

Those who can, please tune in and report back. I, for one, am curious about the connection CNN is making between transexuality and religion-based reorientation efforts.

Happy Valentine’s Day

Jim Burroway

February 14th, 2007

A Valentine’s video from Wayne Besen and Truth Wins Out:

If you are gay and Mormon, you can find help and support at Affirmation. If you are a spouse in need of support, you can find it at the Straight Spouse Network or Straight Wives.

Parents of Gay Sons Trying To Make Sense

Jim Burroway

June 9th, 2006

Aveline, David. “‘Did I have blinders on or what?’: Restrospective sense making by parents of gay sons recalling their son’s earlier years.” Journal of Family Issues 27, no. 6 (June 2006): 777-802. Abstract available online at http://jfi.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/27/6/777.

We live in a society that operates under what’s called a “heterosexual presumption” — in other words, we tend to assume that someone is straight unless we notice something to suggest otherwise (or unless that person comes right out and tells us). But since many gay people don’t exhibit traits that are stereotypically “gay” — and many others try to pass as straight — learning that someone in fact is actually gay can be quite a shock. Only then do we try to remember clues that we might have missed in the past to try to understand how we might have missed it. David Aveline examines this phenomenon in the June 2006 issue of the Journal of Family Issues.

Method

Dr. Aveline interviewed eighty parents of gay sons. He approached PFLAG, a gay-affirming group of parents, as well as groups that were not gay-affirming such as PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) and other organizations associated with Exodus International. He did this because he wanted to gather information from a wider range of parents since most previous research relied too heavily on gay-affirming parents. Unfortunately, he was only able to get two parents from the “disaffirming” groups. (One facilitator of an ex-gay ministry said that parents in his group were typically ashamed and reluctant to talk to a stranger.) PFLAG parents, on the other hand, were so supportive he had to turn some away. For this reason, this study cannot be generalized to the overall population of parents of gay sons.

Statistics

Out of this sample, 27.5% said they never suspected their sons were gay, although they were able to remember events which, in retrospect, “should have” clued them in. 62.5% said they not only suspected their sons were gay, but were able to give the child’s age when their suspicions first occurred. The remaining 10% had suspicions, but couldn’t pinpoint a time when they first suspected.

What Parents Remembered

Parents’ stories fell into three broad categories:

1. Revelations (”I never noticed until now.’): Reinterpretation of particular events in the past that they missed at the time but now believe were relevant.
2. Confirmations (”So I was right.”): Observations of earlier events led them to believe their sons were gay before their suspicions were confirmed.
3. Justifications (”How could I have known?”): Similar to Revelations, except parents gave specific reasons for discounting the meaning of earlier events (for example, their sons’ dating habits, interests in sports, or masculine appearance).

Some parents didn’t recall a particular event, saying only that their children were “different” from other boys. Only a few said they associated this “difference” with homosexuality at the time. Most said that they now took this “difference” to be a clue only in hindsight. Some parents noticed when their sons weren’t interested in sports (although this wasn’t true for all sons). Some noticed when their sons chose girls as playmates instead of other boys, while a couple of parents noticed when their sons expressed particular interests in other boys:

“But he just talked about this boy as a girl would talk about a boyfriend or something. And that’s when I just knew. There was just such excitement, you know. He was kind of giddy with this friend person, you know.”

“And I didn’t tell you this. He did tell me when he was in the fifth or sixth grade. He said to me, “Why do I think guys are cute and not girls?” And I said, “Well, I guess if they’re cute, they’re cute. You’re cute, so maybe you think they’re cute.” And I just… It just kind of went right over my head.”

Dr. Aveline however noted that very little of the reported “evidence” actually involved early homosexual expression. These two stories are notable exceptions.

Some parents thought their boys developed “too close” a relationship with girls, while others felt that their relationships with girls weren’t “close enough.” When their boys later reached their teenage years, some dated girls while others didn’t. Parents whose boys dated took it as confirmation that their sons weren’t gay after all. But parents whose boys didn’t date either suspected their sons were gay, or explained it away by citing a lack of time or money, being a late bloomer, or shyness.

Dr. Aveline concluded that although parents reported noticing atypical gender behavior, they often didn’t interpret it in terms of homosexuality. As mentioned at the start, we tend to assume someone is heterosexual unless we have very specific proof otherwise. One parents echoed this, saying “No one of my generation ever imagined that their child would be gay.” But when parents are confronted with proof that their sons are gay, they are then are left with the task of making sense of this new information. That’s when they turn to past events and begin a process of “second-level interpretation,” where they replace the original interpretation with a new one.

My Thoughts

Gender roles continue to play an important part of how we interpret homosexuality, despite the blurring of gender roles in society. As women continue to take on a greater range of gender roles, behaviors that were previously considered “masculine” are now accepted for men and women. The same is true for behaviors that are traditionally “feminine.” Parents are increasingly open to these less rigid gender roles, which explains how parents can discount atypical gender behavior in their sons before learning of theirs sons’ homosexuality.

But when parents are confronted with the newly discovered fact that their sons are gay, they tend to revert to more rigid ideas of “typical” gender behavior and seek out past clues based on those ideas. Whether these confirmations are legitimate or not is another matter. Ironically, most of these parents were perfectly able to accept their sons’ atypical gender roles before learning that they were gay. Only afterwards are these evidences taken as clues that their sons were somehow different.

But in fact, their sons are no different than before. What has changed is how parents look at their sons’ childhood activities and behaviors. Unfortunately, Dr. Aveline doesn’t explore whether this change in interpretation affects how these parents see their sons today. This would be an interesting avenue for future research.

Because these participants, by and large, were accepting of their sons’ homosexuality, it’s a shame Dr. Aveline couldn’t get better participation from Exodus or PFOX parents. It would be interesting to understand how parents who don’t approve or accept their sons’ homosexuality interpret past events.