News, analysis and fact-checking of anti-gay rhetoric
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Beyond Acceptance: Parents of Lesbians & Gays Talk About Their Experiences, by Carolyn W. Griffin and Marian J. Wirth
Always My Child: A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning Son or Daughter, by Kevin Jennings
Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents, by Mary V. Borhek
Families Like Mine: Children of Gay Parents Tell It Like It Is, by Abigail Garner
Sons Talk About Their Gay Fathers: Life Curves, by Andrew Gottlieb.
Out of the Ordinary: Essays on Growing Up With Gay, Lesbian, and Transgender Parents, by Noelle Howey and Ellen Samuels (Eds.)Truth In Upcoming “Day Of Truth” Hard To Find
A Box Turtle Bulletin Original Video
Daniel Gonzales
April 21st, 2008
The religious right legal group Alliance Defense Fund started an anti-gay “Day of Truth” in response to the pro-gay “Day of Silence.” The “Day of Truth” is little more than an excuse to push ex-gay misinformation on queer youth in public schools which prompted me to make a video examining and mocking ideas promoted by the “Day of Truth.”
Video: Inside “Love Won Out”
In this multi-part series of videos Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Love Won Out.
Daniel Gonzales
April 6th, 2008
Everyone has a personal narrative of how they would like their life to turn out. Oftentimes we have narratives for the lives of our loved-ones, including parents who have narratives for their children. When some of these children are gay and come out of the closet the narratives their parents held are oftentimes shattered. As Jim points out, Love Won Out does little to help this.
Parents’ Narratives For The Lives Of Their Children
Video: Inside The Exodus International “Freedom Conference”
Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Exodus' 2007 annual conference
Daniel Gonzales
February 21st, 2008
Jim and I are jetting off to Memphis later today and Timothy is skiing in Tahoe so here’s something to hold you over till I can start blogging from Memphis tomorrow.
In this video Jim recounts the attitude parents at the Exodus Freedom Conference with gay and lesbian children. Jim likens their level of emotion to a death in the family. I’ll let Jim elaborate:
How Can My Child Be Gay?
Video: Inside “Love Won Out”
In this multi-part series of videos Box Turtle Bulletin editor Jim Burroway discusses attending Love Won Out.
Daniel Gonzales
December 16th, 2007
In this segment Jim recounts Nancy Heche’s speech in which she describes praying her daughter, Anne Heche, out of lesbianism. This is one of the most bizarre moments of Love Won Out so we’ll let Nancy’s do her own talking, here’s the video:
Wisconsin’s “Anti-Family” Activist
Timothy Kincaid
December 10th, 2007
Anti-gay activists know that public opposition to gay marriage seldom includes opposition to some other method of recognition for gay couples. So naturally they try to lump marriage in with civil unions or other vehicles when they prepare their amendments to ban recognition.
As lumping is not allowable under some states’ constitutions, these all inclusive amendments are often challenged. Leading the charge in Wisconsin is a relatively unknown University of Wisconsin-Oshkosh political science instructor, Bill McConkey, who thinks that Wisconsonites would never have voted to ban civil unions and that the amendement is thus unconstitutional.
Anti-gay activists often wail and moan about secular progressive, anti-Christian, anti-family homosexuals trying to overturn the will of the people. But according the the Star Tribune, Bill doesn’t meet their stereotype.
Q: You’ve described yourself as a Christian, straight, married, father of seven. You’re kind of an unlikely figure to be leading the charge on gay rights.
A: I’ve also been a Republican all my life, and people have said, that’s certainly a conflict but I don’t think so. The reason I don’t is because it’s consistent with my view of human dignity and human rights as opposed to government and the power of government. This is really an overreaching amendment.
Q: What was your motivation to file suit?
A: I thought it was horrible when it first came out, because of the implication of the precedent that it sets. If you don’t like gay people, who’s next? Short people? Or maybe we can go back to black people or to Jews or something. As a student of history and as an educated person, I know the history and the implications of that mind-set. It began with that. I also have a gay daughter. People have asked me, would you have filed this suit if it wasn’t for your daughter? To be real honest, maybe not. Maybe I would have just ranted and raved in my classrooms and written letters to the editor and fumed off to the side. But because of her, it also became a personal issue and I feel like I’m fighting for my kid. I’m a family man above all.
Although anti-gay activists like to hide behind the term “pro-family”, I think Bill McConkey illustrates what being pro-family is all about. Oh, and he doesn’t do a half-bad job of showing what “Republican principles” of governmental non-interference really look like.
Pro-Ex-Gay Preacher’s Daughter Speaks Out
Timothy Kincaid
September 4th, 2007
It’s a ‘chicken or the egg’ question; what comes first, anti-gay extremism or a child’s sexual orientation?
It seems almost more than coincidental that there are so many anti-gay activists with gay children ranging from Eagle Forum’s Phyllis Schafly and Operation Rescue’s Randall Terry to ex-gay proponants like PFOX’s Regina Griggs and NARTH’s Charles Socarides. Oddly, none of the anti-gay or ex-gay leaders have ever had a child that succeeded in changing their orientation.
We recently told you about Sal Roggio, the Cumberland County, NJ, preacher who is bringing in ex-gay Greg Quinlan to “explain that homosexuality is a changeable behavior”. Rev. Roggio wanted “folks to come in and know there’s hope.”
I guess it’s really not all that surprising that Sal Roggio’s daughter Sharon is a lesbian. As reported by NBC10 she just couldn’t remain silent in the face of her father’s public crusade.
“I love my father and want only happiness for him,” Sharon Roggio said. “But I cannot stand silent and allow false statements against gay and lesbian people to be made any longer.”
If You Think Your Parents Are Bad…
Timothy Kincaid
August 13th, 2007
Patrick Atkins knew that his family was judgmental and unaccepting. And he knew that after 25 years together, Brett Conrad was the person he trusted to love, honor and cherish him. But he did not know that he would suffer a ruptured aneurysm on a business trip which would leave him mentally impaired at the age of 47.
And so, like many gay couples, Brett and Patrick did not prepare the extensive and often expensive legal documents that would have given each other the protection and control over their own lives. And now Patrick’s illness is a stark illustration of what can happen if legal protections are forgotten and family members are allowed to put their own biases above your happiness or care:
Conrad traveled to the Atlanta hospital to be with Atkins but was soon denied access by the family. Hospital staff defied the family’s wishes and let Conrad visit Atkins during off-hours.
Atkins eventually was moved to a nursing facility in Carmel, where Conrad would arrive after regular visiting hours so the Atkinses would not see him.
He filed his guardianship request in June 2005. That November, the Atkinses moved Patrick into their home and have since refused to let Conrad visit. They also have refused his phone calls.
It is inarguable that the Atkinses are cruel people. And their behavior cannot be justified. And, sadly, as long as gay couples are denied the easy remedy of marriage and instead are subjected to legal barriers and multiple forms, this story will repeat itself.
So each of us take a moment to ask ourselves if we trust those who have legal claim to us to honor and respect our lives. And if the answer is “no” then take the steps necessary to protect yourself from those who might believe that their dogma or bigotry can justify any level of cruelty.
(hat tip to reader David)
Sometimes Bigots Create Their Own Enemies
Timothy Kincaid
August 7th, 2007
Sometimes decent people get so annoyed at bigotry that they feel compelled to respond. When Bill Mills, mayor of the 12,000 residents of Truro, Nova Scotia, decided that his “Christian beliefs” compelled him to not fly a rainbow flag over City Hall it so annoyed and embarrassed heterosexual resident Sharon Farrell that she organized a protest to show her solidarity and support for her gay neighbors.
Well the haters weren’t going to take that lying down. They hunted down her number and called to give her a piece of their mind. Unfortunately they got the wrong person, Sharon Laura Farrell. After hearing the vile comments left for her namesake, Ms. Farrell No. 2 felt she had to do something:
Ms. Farrell then sent the other Sharon Farrell, the rally organizer, a message on her Facebook account in which she detailed the calls. They later met at the rally.
“I was very impressed with her. She is very sincere and she was aghast that anyone would go to such great lengths to get a phone number or to make phone calls like that. I was impressed by her stand. It got me involved.”
Transexual Children and Exodus
Timothy Kincaid
June 27th, 2007
Paula Zahn NOW offers a chance to hear from people who matter, talking about the most pressing, most relevant and most essential topics of the day. - CNN
Tonight at 8:00 pm Eastern Time the people who matter will include Alan Chambers, President of Exodus International and Dr. Warren Throckmorton. Also interviewed were a board member of the Transyouth Family Advocates and her 7 year old affirmed female daughter. The subject matter will be
Boys who want to be girls, women who want to be men and gays who want to be straight. Uncovering changing attitudes and changing lifestyles.
Those who can, please tune in and report back. I, for one, am curious about the connection CNN is making between transexuality and religion-based reorientation efforts.
Happy Valentine’s Day
Jim Burroway
February 14th, 2007
A Valentine’s video from Wayne Besen and Truth Wins Out:
If you are gay and Mormon, you can find help and support at Affirmation. If you are a spouse in need of support, you can find it at the Straight Spouse Network or Straight Wives.
Parents of Gay Sons Trying To Make Sense
Jim Burroway
June 9th, 2006
Aveline, David. “‘Did I have blinders on or what?’: Restrospective sense making by parents of gay sons recalling their son’s earlier years.” Journal of Family Issues 27, no. 6 (June 2006): 777-802. Abstract available online at http://jfi.sagepub.com/cgi/content/abstract/27/6/777.
We live in a society that operates under what’s called a “heterosexual presumption” — in other words, we tend to assume that someone is straight unless we notice something to suggest otherwise (or unless that person comes right out and tells us). But since many gay people don’t exhibit traits that are stereotypically “gay” — and many others try to pass as straight — learning that someone in fact is actually gay can be quite a shock. Only then do we try to remember clues that we might have missed in the past to try to understand how we might have missed it. David Aveline examines this phenomenon in the June 2006 issue of the Journal of Family Issues.
Method
Dr. Aveline interviewed eighty parents of gay sons. He approached PFLAG, a gay-affirming group of parents, as well as groups that were not gay-affirming such as PFOX (Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays) and other organizations associated with Exodus International. He did this because he wanted to gather information from a wider range of parents since most previous research relied too heavily on gay-affirming parents. Unfortunately, he was only able to get two parents from the “disaffirming” groups. (One facilitator of an ex-gay ministry said that parents in his group were typically ashamed and reluctant to talk to a stranger.) PFLAG parents, on the other hand, were so supportive he had to turn some away. For this reason, this study cannot be generalized to the overall population of parents of gay sons.
Statistics
Out of this sample, 27.5% said they never suspected their sons were gay, although they were able to remember events which, in retrospect, “should have” clued them in. 62.5% said they not only suspected their sons were gay, but were able to give the child’s age when their suspicions first occurred. The remaining 10% had suspicions, but couldn’t pinpoint a time when they first suspected.
What Parents Remembered
Parents’ stories fell into three broad categories:
- Revelations (”I never noticed until now.’): Reinterpretation of particular events in the past that they missed at the time but now believe were relevant.
- Confirmations (”So I was right.”): Observations of earlier events led them to believe their sons were gay before their suspicions were confirmed.
- Justifications (”How could I have known?”): Similar to Revelations, except parents gave specific reasons for discounting the meaning of earlier events (for example, their sons’ dating habits, interests in sports, or masculine appearance).
Some parents didn’t recall a particular event, saying only that their children were “different” from other boys. Only a few said they associated this “difference” with homosexuality at the time. Most said that they now took this “difference” to be a clue only in hindsight. Some parents noticed when their sons weren’t interested in sports (although this wasn’t true for all sons). Some noticed when their sons chose girls as playmates instead of other boys, while a couple of parents noticed when their sons expressed particular interests in other boys:
“But he just talked about this boy as a girl would talk about a boyfriend or something. And that’s when I just knew. There was just such excitement, you know. He was kind of giddy with this friend person, you know.”
“And I didn’t tell you this. He did tell me when he was in the fifth or sixth grade. He said to me, “Why do I think guys are cute and not girls?” And I said, “Well, I guess if they’re cute, they’re cute. You’re cute, so maybe you think they’re cute.” And I just… It just kind of went right over my head.”
Dr. Aveline however noted that very little of the reported “evidence” actually involved early homosexual expression. These two stories are notable exceptions.
Some parents thought their boys developed “too close” a relationship with girls, while others felt that their relationships with girls weren’t “close enough.” When their boys later reached their teenage years, some dated girls while others didn’t. Parents whose boys dated took it as confirmation that their sons weren’t gay after all. But parents whose boys didn’t date either suspected their sons were gay, or explained it away by citing a lack of time or money, being a late bloomer, or shyness.
Dr. Aveline concluded that although parents reported noticing atypical gender behavior, they often didn’t interpret it in terms of homosexuality. As mentioned at the start, we tend to assume someone is heterosexual unless we have very specific proof otherwise. One parents echoed this, saying “No one of my generation ever imagined that their child would be gay.” But when parents are confronted with proof that their sons are gay, they are then are left with the task of making sense of this new information. That’s when they turn to past events and begin a process of “second-level interpretation,” where they replace the original interpretation with a new one.
My Thoughts
Gender roles continue to play an important part of how we interpret homosexuality, despite the blurring of gender roles in society. As women continue to take on a greater range of gender roles, behaviors that were previously considered “masculine” are now accepted for men and women. The same is true for behaviors that are traditionally “feminine.” Parents are increasingly open to these less rigid gender roles, which explains how parents can discount atypical gender behavior in their sons before learning of theirs sons’ homosexuality.
But when parents are confronted with the newly discovered fact that their sons are gay, they tend to revert to more rigid ideas of “typical” gender behavior and seek out past clues based on those ideas. Whether these confirmations are legitimate or not is another matter. Ironically, most of these parents were perfectly able to accept their sons’ atypical gender roles before learning that they were gay. Only afterwards are these evidences taken as clues that their sons were somehow different.
But in fact, their sons are no different than before. What has changed is how parents look at their sons’ childhood activities and behaviors. Unfortunately, Dr. Aveline doesn’t explore whether this change in interpretation affects how these parents see their sons today. This would be an interesting avenue for future research.
Because these participants, by and large, were accepting of their sons’ homosexuality, it’s a shame Dr. Aveline couldn’t get better participation from Exodus or PFOX parents. It would be interesting to understand how parents who don’t approve or accept their sons’ homosexuality interpret past events.
