Box Turtle Bulletin
News and commentary about the anti-gay lobby“Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife…”
News and commentary about the anti-gay lobbyDaniel Gonzales a former patient of Joe Nicolosi, explains.
May 4th, 2008
Oftentimes when I meet someone who’s been through ex-gay therapy I ask them if they ever reached the point where they believed they were beginning to change — It’s how I gauge just how deeply they got into the whole “ex-gay thing.” Ex-gay leaders often assert, “change is possible and I’m proof because I changed.” In my opinion the strongest response is “I too once believed I had changed.” Here’s my own explanation of how I believed I had changed:
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On February 10, I attended an all-day “Love Won Out” ex-gay conference in Phoenix, put on by Focus on the Family and Exodus International. In this series of reports, I talk about what I learned there: the people who go to these conferences, the things that they hear, and what this all means for them, their families and for the rest of us.
Prologue: Why I Went To “Love Won Out”
Part 1: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Part 2: Parents Struggle With “No Exceptions”
Part 3: A Whole New Dialect
Part 4: It Depends On How The Meaning of the Word "Change" Changes
Part 5: A Candid Explanation For "Change"
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Steve - Geneva, IL
May 4th, 2008
I got to the point, where like you, I thought I had figured out the reasons why I was gay. It was easy to find fault with my dad because nobody’s perfect and then point to that as the reason. The counselor was all too eager to concur with me with that every fault my dad had was a contributing factor. Like you I also became convinced that my attractions were toward the things I never had myself.
Whether those were truly the reason’s I was gay or not (I tend to think not at this point), it was easy take the feeling of success that came from thinking I had “figured it all out” and believe it was success that I was becoming straight. I was married and a father and wanted desperately to be straight.
I’d have to say that even though I said was becoming straight and maybe at some level on the surface I believed it (or wanted to so badly), I always knew in my heart that I was not becoming straight.
I think that is where a large number of the ex-gay “success stories” are at. Especially the leadership. They are in positions where they feel they have no alternative but to be straight so at some level they believe it, but at a deeper level they know its not true. But acknowledging the truth could ruin the lives they have created for themselves and possibly hurt others as well such as wives and children.
How much easier it would be for all of us if we could just grow up in a world where it was ok to be gay from the beginning. How many more gay men and women have to suffer because of what they bury? Because of the guilt they carry for something that they should not feel guilty about. How many more spouses and children need to be victims of marriages that were never meant to be and divorce?
It sickens me that this is all in the name of “family values”.
queerunity
May 4th, 2008
thanks for sharing your story, it certainly resonates with me as i used to take the blue moon opposite sex attraction and magnify it.
Regan DuCasse
May 5th, 2008
I applaud all of you who have done so much introspection, who have spent so much time actually trying to please the dominant culture, rather than yourselves. I think most of all, I resent how frivolously and callously the hetero world decides for you what’s best for you, and then won’t admit how wrong it is or how much damage it’s caused.
I’m always so aghast at the arrogance of challenging what a gay person knows about and for themselves that heteros engage in.
And I think, worst of all, using God as a rationale (not justification) for the entire attitude.
Heteros don’t engage in so much introspection or consideration that it is THEY who is wrong. Well, some do.
Sometimes it takes a tragedy to get to such an epiphany.
But why it’s harder than pulling a tree from the ground, I have no idea.
I’m not so sure why I myself would rather sit and listen to a gay person and let THEM teach ME and let a gay person speak their own truth.
Maybe it’s just good manners.
I’ve lost patience long ago with the hard headed and hearted tenacity with which some people feel they are holding on to their moral values.
I can say in all honesty, that I’m witnessing more a love of CONTROL, and only on who and what they are still able to demand it.
I know that love is a higher law and I know when one wants control of gay people and when they truly love them.
I admire the patience of gay folks, I really do. I still try to be diplomatic, but it’s NOT an easy thing.
Jim, Daniel…thank you so much for this blog!
zrainswva
May 7th, 2008
It’s interesting to me that so little is said about the other consequence of societal pressure on gays to be ‘normal’, i.e. the number of persons who actually remain closeted, marry, and have children. Many–and I know from personal experience that the number must be large, though I’ve never seen statistics–of them continue to ‘dabble’ in homosexual activities while married, and anguish (probably continually) over their ‘deviant’ behaviour and the great lie they live very day. Been there, done that.
Horrible for the person. Horrible for the spouse. Horrible for the children. Is this really what ‘they’ really want?
Much better, in my humble opinion, to be true to oneself, because otherwise you cannot be true to anyone else. Not even God. And the great lie becomes compulsive and the spiritual torment unbearable.
I am _so_ thankful I finally developed the resolve to be true to myself, regardless of potential (and real) societal condemnation and scorn.
Free! I am free at last!
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