Box Turtle Bulletin

FAQ: Hiring Someone To Lift Your Luggage

Q. Wait! You mean I can hire someone to lift my luggage?

A. Yes, apparently you can. Before this week when longtime anti-gay activist Dr. George Rekers was discovered having done that very thing, I didn’t know it was possible. But now I’ve learned that not only can you hire someone to lift your luggage, there’s an entire industry dedicated to it. Isn’t it amazing how well the free markets respond to meet every need?

Q. Why should I hire someone to lift my luggage when I can get someone to do it for free anytime I want?

A. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who are you trying to kid? I don’t know about you but in my lifetime I’ve had to lift my own luggage much more often than I care to remember. So let’s be honest about this and act like grownups.

Sometimes when you’re single and you don’t have anyone available to lift your luggage, turning to a professional can be a very exciting option. This can be particularly true as you get older and the junk that’s in your trunk isn’t so hot. That’s when you’ll discover you can’t just pick up anyone to pick up your bags like you used to. Turning to a professional can be a very satisfying alternative. But even younger folks can discover that hiring someone can be a convenient alternative to the hassle of finding a volunteer, particularly when you’re traveling and there you are in a strange city all alone holding the bag.

But hiring someone to lift your luggage isn’t just for single people. It’s a sad fact that many married men also hire other men to lift their luggage. Reasons vary, but they often have to do with the fact that these married men haven’t resolved the conflict within themselves between who bests lifts their luggage and society’s expectations of who ought to lift their luggage. Men who haven’t adequately dealt with this conflict often find that hiring another man to lift their luggage is their only viable option. But it also appears that this option isn’t necessarily a bad one. Florida anti-gay adoption expert witnesses have found that the experience can even be quite therapeutic, particularly after surgery.

Q. Would my health insurance cover hiring someone to lift my luggage?

A. I don’t know, but this possibly former professor of neuropsychiatry at the University of South Carolina’s medical school may be able to answer that question.

Q. Where can I find a professional to lift my luggage?

A. Some people search personal ads from the back of alternative newspapers while others turn to Craigslist. But NARTH Scientific Advisory Committee members have learned that Rentboy.com is a particularly useful web site which specializes in providing a forum where professionals who will lift your luggage for a fee can advertise their services.

Q. What should I look for in selecting someone to lift my luggage?

That’s a deeply personal question, and there’s no stock answer that applies for everyone. For example, Family Research Council founders prefer smooth and skinny 20-year-olds to lift their luggage. I find that option appealing myself, but I sometimes tend to pack heavy. So my choice, if I were to go that route, might be a bit different (NSFW). Everyone’s luggage handling needs are unique, which is why it’s very important to evaluate the candidate’s profile to see if his services are a good fit for you. You might even want to interview a few before making your selection. Ultimately, it’s up to you to determine who can lift your luggage the best.

Q. How much will it cost to hire someone to lift my luggage?

Rates vary by city. In Miami, for example, it looks like it runs about $200-300 per hour. Since most people can get their luggage lifted in under an hour, that’s probably the most common arrangement. But If you think you might need more than an hour to fully lift your luggage, most will charge a bit of a discount for the second and subsequent hours. If you need your luggage lifted overnight, that can run $1000 to $1500, depending on the lifter’s reputation and what the market will bear.

But if you think you need to bring someone to lift your luggage during an extended 10-day European vacation, then you’ll have to negotiate with your preferred professional as costs can vary widely. If it’s someone in high demand, he may charge a daily rate of a thousand dollars or more (plus airfare, meals, transportation and lodging), but he’ll be there day and night to schlep your satchel any time you want. A few of the younger ones just starting out might lift your luggage for free or for next to nothing in exchange for the free travel. And if that’s the case there are opportunities to economize a bit further. Bogus American College of Pediatricians members have learned that luggage lifters will always accept your offer to share your hotel room (as well as the Gospel) with them.

Q. What other services can I expect from a luggage lifter?

A. According to some of the profiles on rentboy.com, some of the other services include massage, nude modeling, stripping, dancing, and watersports. So don’t forget to pack your scuba gear and swimming trunks. One NARTH officer in particular prefers luggage lifters who excel in the long stroke.

Q. What about sex?

A. “Any money exchanged is exclusively for time and companionship. If anything else should occur, that is a matter of personal mutual choice between two or more consenting adults of legal age, and is not contracted for, nor is it requested to be contracted for, or compensated for in any manner whatsoever.”

So yes, of course. Sex too.

And one final note: there are many options when it comes to lifting your luggage, but it’s a regrettable reality in today’s society that hiring a professional carries a huge stigma, both for the professional luggage lifter and his client. This, I think, is grossly unfair. The few luggage lifters I have spoken to (and in full disclosure, I haven’t hired one myself) are invariably kind, engaging, attractive, friendly, and exceptionally smart. In fact, many have paid for college by lifting strangers’ luggage. I find it hard to imagine a more difficult job, and they tell me that it’s not as glamorous as it might sound, even if they do get to travel.

But the better ones take great pride in their work. They are very attentive to their clients’ needs, and those needs often go beyond merely lifting a sack here and there. Sometimes time and companionship really are the most important services they offer. So while we may snicker at what they do, they’re still people with heart and soul, and they deserve a great deal of respect just like anyone else.

So if you do hire someone, please remember that you’re not just hiring a pair of sure hands, strong arms, sturdy thighs, powerful chest and a set of well-developed shoulders. You’re hiring a real live person. Talk to him. Get to know him a little. If you do, you’ll find your experience to be much more satisfying than if you just ordered him to lift your bags and was done with it.

And if you’re as satisfied with the results as I suspect you will be, don’t forget to leave him a tip. And be sure to pass along your recommendations to me because after having done all that research on Rentboy.com for this piece, my bags are starting to feel really heavy.