Box Turtle Bulletin

Sin, sin, everywhere. What’s a Mom to do?

For years folks like the American Family Association would get their undies in a bunch if some business would dare be somewhat civil to some gay person somewhere. And then they would protest and send postcards and threaten boycott and raise a stink. And then if the business backed down, they would declare victory and gloat. Even if the business ignored them and happened to be a smidgen less supportive in the next year, they would declare victory and gloat.

And in response, gay groups and gay people would inquire, “why do you hate us now?” And on it would go.

But it seems like Corporate America has come up with a solution, a strategy to break the chain of angry protest. Now when the American Family Association or some other nutcase whines, the CEO grabs a rainbow flag and the whole company dances a conga line singing, “We love the gays!”

Or something like that.

Take JCPenney. Anti-gays had a valid point that JCPenney kinda falls more into heterosexual middle-America red-state shopping than it really does for the gay folk. But they overplayed their cards.

When the American Family Association’s project, One Million Moms (which number far closer to ‘One’ than they do to ‘Million’), decided that America’s Big Ol’ Lesbian Sweetheart, Ellen Degeneres, was not wholesome enough for JCPenney, they insisted JCP fire her because she was “an open homosexual”. Forced to pick between the 2-3 million shoppers who tune in to Ellen every day or the half-dozen or so angry harpies who would actually boycott the store, execs yelled, “Dammit, Betty, get in here with my rainbow tutu and feather boa! It’s time for a Pride Parade around the office.”

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Well, whether my imagined parade happened or not, JCP decided that they didn’t much want to hear from the Moms – so they blocked email coming from the American Family Association. And when Mothers’ Day came around, JCPenney decided it was time for not only lesbians, but lesbians who are moms (not a million, just two) to be featured. Just in case the OMMs missed the snub.

But the Moms evidently aren’t that bright. They just ratcheted up their noise-making. So finally Penney’s said, “Fine. Find us some gay men. Who are a family. With kids. And get a photographer – it’s almost Fathers’ Day. If they don’t get the point this time then they’re dumber than Rick Santorum!”

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“But, but, but…” sputtered the Moms in response. “They’re promoting sin!” And then the nation, all 360 million (other than the Moms) collectively rolled their eyes and turned back to the booze commercial with the young ladies in bikinis.

And, of course, JCP isn’t alone. Macy’s is pissing off the Moms and has been doing so for a while. The Moms would picket but they’ve never been to a Macy’s and besides it sounds Jewish (and all them Jews are librullls anyway).

But on some level I can pity the Moms. Now it feels like Corporate America is just piling on. Like some bully that wakes up in an alternate universe and finds that the band geeks and math club now run the social scene, they must be hurt and confused. Especially after this ad.

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One Hundred Percent. Sigh, it’s a sad sad day for the Moms.

How to piss off One Million Moms

With one simple click you can piss off One Million Moms (or at least the half dozen finger-waggers over at the American Family Association who go by that name).

Archie Gay Comic Sells Out

So much for the American Family Association’s futile boycott by its couple hundred moms. Issue number 16 of the comic book Life With Archie featuring a same-sex wedding on its cover has completely sold out, according to a blog post on archiecomics.com:

“Kevin will always be a major part of Riverdale, and we’re overjoyed, honored and humbled by the response to this issue,” said Jon Goldwater, Co-CEO of Archie Comics. “Our fans have come out full force to support Kevin. He is, without a doubt, the most important new character in Archie history. He’s here to stay.”

One wonders how much the AFA’s boycott actually helped the comic book’s sales.

Too complicated for children to understand

Anti-gays have an immense sense of entitlement. They should not ever have to be confronted with the fact that gay people exist, and especially not at a “family” venue like Disneyland, a park, a toy store, or anywhere else they drag their grubby little darling. Because the mere existence of a gay person will have catastrophic results to the psyche of children who will be forced to ask questions far beyond their age appropriateness.

You know, like:

Mommy, if neither of the women have a penis, how can they have penetration?

And if Ellen keeps her hair short, never wears an dress and is married to Portia de Rossi but also is the spokesperson for a cosmetics company, does that make her lipstick or butch?

Clearly, such topics are just too complicated for children to understand. So it’s best if gay people are invisible where children might be present. Or so the AFA’s “Million” Moms have decided.

Thus, in the name of protecting the innocence of children, the Moms are protesting Toys “R” Us, a national toy retailer.

Select Toys ‘R’ Us stores are now selling ‘Archie’ comic books with a same-sex wedding displayed on the front cover. The front cover reads “Just Married” with two men marrying and one is wearing a service uniform. This comic book is being sold in select stores across the country. One example is the Queensbury, NY location in the upstate New York area.

Toys ‘R’ Us employees do not actually set up the displays; they leave this up to the vendor, but they should be aware of the merchandise being sold in their stores nonetheless. These comic books are sold at the front checkout counters so they are highly visible to employees, managers, customers and children. Unfortunately, children are now being exposed to same-sex marriage in a toy store. This is the last place a parent would expect to be confronted with questions from their children on topics that are too complicated for them to understand. Issues of this nature are being introduced too early and too soon, which is becoming extremely common and unnecessary.

A trip to the toy store turns into a premature discussion on sexual orientation and is completely uncalled for. Toys ‘R’ Us should be more responsible in the products they carry.

Personally, I think that if exposure to a comic book with two men marrying turns into an uncalled-for premature discussion on sexual orientation with your kids, someone should call social services. Because that’s not healthy parenting.

Yes, kids will ask questions. If they have been raised in a household without any exposure to gay people whatsoever, they may want to know why those men are holding hands and where are the brides. But it is not premature to respond with matter of fact, age appropriate answers, that explain the existence of men who like to hold hands with each other. Even when one is wearing a service uniform.

For example, a famous actor’s daughter tells about how her father explained about a family friend:

I was about eight or nine years old when I learned that some people are gay — although the word ‘gay’ wasn’t used in those years. I don’t remember what defining word was used, if any; what I do remember is the clear, smooth, non-judgmental way in which I was told. The scene took place in the den of my family’s Pacific Palisades home. My father and I were watching an old Rock Hudson and Doris Day movie. At the moment when Hudson and Doris Day kissed, I said to my father, “That looks weird.” Curious, he asked me to identify exactly what was weird about a man and woman kissing, since I’d certainly seen such a thing before. All I knew was that something about this particular man and woman was, to me, strange. My father gently explained that Mr. Hudson didn’t really have a lot of experience kissing women; in fact, he would much prefer to be kissing a man. This was said in the same tone that would be used if he had been telling me about people with different colored eyes, and I accepted without question that this whole kissing thing wasn’t reserved just for men and women.

See how easy it is? Nothing premature. Nothing inappropriate.

In fact, unless you have some compulsion to insist that the whole kissing thing is indeed reserved just for men and women, lest some vengeful god smite a rebellious nation, there’s no difficulty at all in explaining their existence. I’ll agree that words like abomination and perverse are difficult for children to comprehend, that notions that the couple picking out a toy for their child are destroying the sanctity of Mommy and Daddy’s marriage are complex indeed, and that it is far too soon to pull out the bogus ‘gay bowel syndrome’ hate speech and dump it on your kids.

But maybe, just maybe, you don’t have to pass on your bile to the next generation. Maybe, just maybe, you can use clear, non-judgmental, language and save all the fire and brimstone for when they are old enough to understand that Mommy is just a little bit off the deep end.

After all, if Ronald Reagan – the man you think is second only to Jesus – can explain gay people to an 8 year old Patti Davis in a child appropriate way, you can do likewise.