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The FBI’s annual Hate Crime Statistics aren’t as complete as they ought to be, and their report for 2004 was no exception. In fact, their most recent report has quite a few glaring holes. Holes big enough for Daniel Fetty to fall through.Prologue: Why I Went To “Love Won Out”
Jim Burroway
February 12th, 2007
Focus on the Family and Exodus’ traveling roadshow, “Love Won Out” came to Phoenix last Saturday (Feb 10). According to the Love Won Out website, the purpose of the conference is to “promote the truth that change is possible for those who experience same-sex attractions.” These all-day conferences are held about six times a year in different cities across America. They are aimed mainly to friends and family members, pastors, youth ministers, and ordinary citizens.
I went up to Phoenix from Tucson on Friday to meet with Daniel Gonzales of Ex-Gay Watch and Wayne Besen, founder of Truth Wins Out and author of Anything But Straight: Unmasking the Scandals and Lies Behind the Ex-Gay Myth.
Ex-Gay Watch has a couple of posts up already about their activities. The first post features a link to Daniel Gonzales’ interview with NPR which aired on Saturday. The second post has a couple of great videos of a press conference put together by the Arizona Human Rights Campaign and Good Shepherd Metropolitan Community Church, which featured Pastor Brad Wishon, Ruth and Ray Grove from PFLAG, Barbara McCollough Jones from AHRF, Wayne Besen, and Daniel Gonzales. That press conference was held on Friday. On Saturday, AHRF and No Longer Silent, a group of ministers in the Phoenix area, held a vigil in the morning in front of Bethany Bible Church where the Love Won Out conference took place. They also organized a protest at the church from 11:00 to 1:00.
Where was I in all that? Well, I attended the news conference on Friday, and met afterwards with Daniel, Wayne and others for some business and social time. Then on Saturday, while everyone else was voicing their opposition to LWO through public demonstrations, I did something I never thought I would do.
I walked up to the registration desk, gave them my name, got a blue wristband, and I sat right down to see what it was all about.
Why on earth did I do that? Well, I had gone to Palm Springs last fall to protest the Love Won Out conference when it was held there. That’s where Melissa Fryrear, of Focus on the Family and one of the conference’s main speakers, told the local press that if we would just put down our signs and attend, we would know that they don’t hate us and there’s nothing for us to be so upset about. Actually, I don’t remember her exact words and the Palm Springs newspaper articles are no longer online, so I’m going by memory here. But I do remember reading something to that effect. And I also remember believing that her invitation was nothing more than a stunt.
So anyway, while we were greeting the conference attendees as they drove in on that sunny fall morning, I had a chance to talk very briefly with Michael Bussee who was also walking the protest line. Michael had been involved with the founding of Exodus back in 1975, and served on its original board of directors. Another person involved with Exodus in its early years was Gary Cooper. Michael and Gary eventually left Exodus when they came to the conclusion that it wasn’t possible to change their sexual orientation, and more to the point, that they were in love with each other. They had a commitment ceremony and remained together until Gary’s death in 1991.
As I said, I talked very briefly with Michael that day, so briefly that I doubt he remembers it. I mentioned what Melissa Fryrear said, and thought that maybe I should attend myself so I could see first-hand exactly what was said and done at these things. The whole reason I run this website is so I can look at what other people claim what social science research says, examine that research directly myself, and demonstrate whether and how people take liberties with that research, either in fact or in interpretation.
I often say that you should never take anyone’s word for anything if you can observe things directly for yourself. So if I’m such a show-me kind of guy, if I believe so strongly in going directly to the source, why should I let my perceptions about Love Won Out be shaped by what others are saying? Why am I not practicing what I’m preaching in this case? The more I thought about it, the more obligated I felt to go directly to the source itself — just like I always try to do with everything else.
Michael encouraged me to go. He had been to conferences in the past, and even though everyone knew who he was and had every reason to throw him out, they welcomed him warmly and treated him kindly. This was one of my hesitations and he laid that fear to rest. Like I said, I doubt he remembers this since the conversation was so brief.
So that’s what I decided to do. I signed up and attended Love Won Out when it came to Phoenix.
So here I am, back at home, decompressing from a very long, all-day affair. I have whole notebooks of notes and armloads of material. And I have memories of people, conversations, camaraderie, laughter and tears. I now have a renewed appreciation for what Exodus is really all about.
Over the next several weeks, I plan to talk more about what I saw and learned there. It’s an incredibly rich and complex story. No, I did not go over to the other side, but as is true for so many things in life, I was better able to see so much more grey between the black and the white.
Some of what I will report on will be things you may already know. But I think also that some of what I will say will annoy some and anger others — on all sides. This is why I want to go slow on this. I want to be very clear in what I’m saying. I want to try to speak with the same precision of language that I observed at Love Won Out. I also want to portray what I saw at Love Won Out truthfully. I try very hard in whatever I do to present the material fairly and accurately, but I don’t always succeed. But I want to be as fair and generous as I can to the conference participants and leaders because they certainly deserve that much.
So don’t expect all of this to come pouring out of me right away. Including all the breakout sessions, there were more than twenty hours of presentations to go through. In addition, there were brochures, informal conversations both casual and serious, and thoughts and emotions to sort out. It will take a little bit of time for all of this to gell into coherence.
I saw some things that disturbed me very deeply, things which could very easily propel me to my soapbox — and I definitely will get to them. You can count on that. But I saw other things which told me there are a lot of misconceptions about Love Won Out which also need to be dealt with. And there were a few positives that I saw which need to be explained as well. The ordinary family members I laughed, cried, and prayed with certainly deserve nothing less.
See also:
Prologue: Why I Went To “Love Won Out”
Part 1: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Part 2: Parents Struggle With “No Exceptions”
Part 3: A Whole New Dialect
Part 4: It Depends On How The Meaning of the Word “Change” Changes
Part 5: A Candid Explanation For “Change”
For related information, see Love Won Out
LINK
Love Won Out Indianapolis: General Impressions « Disputed Mutability
December 3rd, 2007 | LINK
[...] 90+% in agreement with, check out Eve Tushnet here for a chaste queer perspective or Jim Burroway here for a not-so-chaste queer perspective. (Jim also has podcasts and YouTube video on his take on [...]
keith edwards
June 17th, 2008 | LINK
I just read Jim Burroway’s essay on his trip to, “love won out.” I cannot believe he thinks its not about hate. After what these liars told these parents, friends, etc to make them feel it’s all their fault, their children had been molested, etc. That is all false B.S. And lies either spread or build on hate. I have had my own interactions with these people. Don’t delude yourself Jim. These people want us dead rather than as some have put it to me, “suffer and live in sin.”
Jim Burroway
June 17th, 2008 | LINK
Please re-read what I wrote. When I said “it’s not about hate”, I was speaking about the parents who attend Love Won Out. They were the only people I cared about while I was there, and they were the only people I spoke to. I firmly stand by that conclusion.
I’ll leave the readers to draw their own conclusions about the people who organize and conduct these conferences.
Keith Edwards
July 2nd, 2008 | LINK
The parents who go to these conferences are only going because they hate who and what their kid’s sexuality is. Perhaps not the kids themselves, but it’s still hate no matter how you look at it. If they really want an explanation and love their kids why not go to a PFlag meeting instead? But they didn’t. Instead they went to people who promised them another explanation and way to fix their broken kids. Still sounds like hate to me.
Speaking Up about Love Won Out « Peterson Toscano’s A Musing
October 19th, 2008 | LINK
[...] of ‘change’ in orientation. They have softened their language over the years, but from recent eyewitness accounts, their out of focus message continues to misinform people looking for real [...]
Focus on the Family or the Homosexual? « Peterson Toscano’s A Musing
October 23rd, 2008 | LINK
[...] and that the parents are somehow to blame for raising a homosexual. (See Jim Burroway’s series of articles and videos about the Love Won Out he attended in [...]
Speaking out about the Ex-Gay Movement « Peterson Toscano’s A Musing
February 20th, 2009 | LINK
[...] light and answers and sadly walk away misinformed and frightened. You can read Jim Burroway’s thoughtful eyewitness account of Love Won Out to find out some of what happens and what is [...]
Robert Gamble
March 21st, 2009 | LINK
I’m an American from Boston, Scotch-Irish background, who has (still to my surprise) become a publisher in Poland. A conservative, but, I hope, tolerant Christian. I’m now involved in starting a Polish version of Alan Medinger’s “New Directions” course. (”Regeneration”).
MANY thanks for your wise and sympathetic report.
I’ve sponsored the publication in Polish of Dr. Nicolosi’s book “Reparative Therapy for the Male Homosexual”, and have been to a workshop he led in Berlin. He wrote an introduction to the Polish edition, incorporating much of my suggestion.
Interestingly, he seems willing to back away from the “all”, “always”. He was willing to say that if there’s not a positive reaction to the ideas of “reparative therapy”, then “gay affirmaative therapy” would be appropriate. He notes that his book may give better understanding to parents, wives and others, but attempts to push reparative therapy onto someone who doesn’t want it will backfire.
I found I had a role in Poland some 20 years ago, helping contact between very new Alcoholics Anonymous here and mature AA in America which I knew as a pastor. (”Overeaters Anonymous” is for me.) I’m nervous and a little lost with the SSA issue, but feel that there should be help for those individuals who want it. There are many, and there have been successes.
From the AA model, I find myself explaining, – success isn’t a “switch” from homo to hetero. Building an internal gender identity REDUCES the homo impullses and compulsiveness, and allows access to the body’s natural heterosexuality. More in line with Chambers, whom you compliment for honesty.
cowboy
March 21st, 2009 | LINK
When you say homo “impulses and compulsiveness”…I’m a little confused. Are you saying hetero is impulses and compulsiveness too?
Don’t confuse homosexuality as an adjunct to heterosexuality. Homosexuality not a subset of heterosexuality nor is it a variation. It’s as distinct as heterosexuality.
In other words, would you say we can REDUCE you of your heterosexuality?
A Homophobic Doubleheader « Chimaera
December 22nd, 2009 | LINK
[...] By the way, the people there mostly aren’t intolerant of your opinion. They’re intolerant of your desire to make everyone conform to your opinion, or in other words, they’re intolerant of your intolerance. Also, congratulations on being less considerate and open-minded than this gay man who attended Love Won Out. [...]
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