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A Little Tomfoolery for the Holidays

Timothy Kincaid

December 26th, 2008

UPDATE: It turns out that the following story was a total fabrication. Bogus. Big Lie. But gosh, it was fun while it lasted.

Like all of you, I don’t watch Jimmy Kimmel’s show. But it seems that Tom Cruise was a guest on Monday when he decided to discuss whether the US Census should include information on sexual orientation. According to the HuliQ website:

As Cruise told talk show host Jimmy Kimmel last night: “I am tired of not knowing. I am tired of hearing numbers quoted all over the map from practically zero to only a few million, all of them certainly far less than I believe there are. I think it is, psychologically, now the time to try and do something about this.”

This was just too glorious for words, but a few thoughts did fight their way through my instinct to fall on the floor laughing:

1. If Tom’s tired of hearing quotes from zero to only a few million, he’s been spending far too much time with his Scientologist buddies.

2. Tom’s church believes that homosexuality is an illness that can be “audited” away with an E-meter (or whatever it is that they do). I’m not sure I’d want to be on Tom’s list.

3. Oh, you know, the obvious one: there can only be so many lawsuits against guys who say that they’ve been on Tom’s personal census list before you begin to think that Tom’s interest may be a bit, well, personal.

4. And don’t the rumors about Tom himself serve as a good illustration of why a census that seeks to identify sexual orientation would never be accurate in the culture in which we live?

Well, in any case, Tom sounds awfully tired. So to let him get some rest, I’ll just tell him: there are, at minimum, 10,800,000 gay or bisexual men and women in the United States.

p.s. Tom, you aren’t supposed to think psychologically. It’s against your religion.

p.p.s. Don’t sue me, Tom.

Comments

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KipEsquire
December 26th, 2008 | LINK

Sorry if this is too tangential, but the only constitutional purpose of the Census is to enumerate people for allocation of Representatives in the House (and, vicariously, presidential electors). All other requests for information are optional at best and an unconstitutional violation of privacy at worst.

I give the Census my name and my address — and not one iota of additional information.

The government — and Cruise — can kiss my bleep if they want to know more.

Swampfox
December 26th, 2008 | LINK

Personally, I think that the gay population is somewhere around 5%. However, just like KipEsquire, I don’t think that it is the job of the United States Census to keep such numbers.

John
December 26th, 2008 | LINK

Most stars of Tom Cruise’s calliber, go out of there way to protect their image. I am consistently amazed at how poorly he manages his image.

Going back to his couch jumping Oprah antics on through the present, it has been a non-stop disaster. That rambling non-sensical “interview” that he did for Scientology was about as creepy as it gets. He picks a fight with Brooke Sheilds about post partum depression. It just goes on and on. He has got to be one of the strangest people in Hollywood. I would put him up there with Michael Jackson on the creepyness index.

Ben in Oakland
December 27th, 2008 | LINK

I saw a documentary on Valkyrie last night. I can see why the picked Cruise.
von Stauffenberg was a very handsome man.

jOHN
December 27th, 2008 | LINK

As I was ready this I was thinking to myself exactly what you have stated as #4!

JamesD
December 27th, 2008 | LINK

i watched this interview and there was no mention of any census. perhaps it was edited out, but i think someone should confirm it was said by cruise before jumping to any conclusions.

Emily K
December 27th, 2008 | LINK

WOW, it’s CREEPY how much Cruise looks like von. S! amazing!

i still think he’s a psycho closet-case. that nixes any “handsomeness” that might have existed.

Les
December 27th, 2008 | LINK

Tom Cruise NEVER said that! I watched the show and homosexuals were not mentioned there (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0jQjSuEzALM). Total fake.

werdna
December 28th, 2008 | LINK

Huliq has retracted the story.

Petrelis attributes the quote to an e-mail from Larry Kramer.

Tavdy
December 30th, 2008 | LINK

Tom’s church believes that homosexuality is an illness that can be “audited” away with an E-meter (or whatever it is that they do).

A one-metre-long line of E? that would explain a lot…

Jason D
December 30th, 2008 | LINK

I just flat out refuse to ever see a Tom Cruise movie ever again after finding out what a crazy moron he is.

Besides, how exciting can Valkyrie be? We all know they fail. It’s not even like Titanic where the point is a love story and the historical event is just a tragic background.

Suricou Raven
December 30th, 2008 | LINK

“Tom’s church believes that homosexuality is an illness that can be “audited” away with an E-meter (or whatever it is that they do).”

Oh, you got it about right. Scientology claims that homosexuality is caused by the presence of ‘engrams,’ corrupted mental presences which may be removed by an approved auditing. For a large fee, of course.

What the engrams are varies by level – at entry levels they are memories, at mid level psychic effects, and by top-crazy level they are the remains of the alien souls dropped by Xenu into a volcano before following them up with a nuclear bomb.

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