LaBarbera Award: Four Guys In Minnesota

Jim Burroway

March 18th, 2009

Our latest LaBarbera Award goes to a collective effort in Minnesota consisting of four fundamentalist leaders with the Minnesota Family Council. They held a press conference to explain what would happen if Minnesota doesn’t pass a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, civil unions and domestic partnerships:

“If everyone is a gay, this world will cease to exist in 10 years,” said Ikram ul-Huq, the imam and religious director of the Muslim Community Center of Bloomington.

“Homosexual unions are forbidden and cannot be licensed with the term marriage,” said Rabbi Moshe Feller, Shliach of the Rebbe to the Upper Midwest, a Chabad-Lubavitch sect of Hasidic Judaism.

“We see this as a pivotal issue to life, not just for our nation but the life we have known for 3,000 years,” said Tom Parrish, administrative pastor of Hope Lutheran Church. Parrish represents Hope Lutheran Church, whose senior pastor, Tom Brock, raised some eyebrows in 2003 when he insisted the 9/11 attacks were God’s wake-up call.

“That’s a lifestyle that God says is sinful,” Brock said of homosexuality in 2003. “Something happened to this nation in the ’60s,” he continued. “It’s just become more and more godless. I think God is going to judge us. I think 9/11 might be a wake-up call from God, saying America needs to repent.”

Another Christian pastor said life itself is at stake if same-sex marriage isn’t banned permanently. “This is not a political issue, or an issue of choice or rights. It is an issue of life,” said Andre Dukes, pastor of Shiloh Temple Ministries in Minneapolis.

Four guys from Minnesota, with a fifth from 2003 thrown in as a bonus.  My obvious favorite is Imam Cease-To-Exist. The others are pretty light weight in comparison, although Rev. Wake-Up-Call from 2003 is pretty good. That’s what you would call and oldie but goodie.

Maybe we should help them out. You can add your shocking predictions of what will happen in the comments. Here’s mine: Same-sex marriage will cause a run on fine china, leaving straight couples to pick from among the uglier, less desirable patterns.

Rick Brentlinger

March 18th, 2009

The anti-gay marriage crowd believes gay marriage will cause polygamy, incest and beastiality. They’ve got it exactly backwards and could use a refresher course in basic Bible.

1. Polygamy first shows up in the Bible in Genesis 4:19.

2. Incestuous marriage between brothers and sisters first occurs in Genesis 4 and 5.

3. A form of beastiality (human women cohabiting with fallen angels) first occurs in Genesis 6, causing God to send Noah’s flood to wipe out the results of those illicit unions, Genesis 6:13.

In the same way that giving women the right to vote did not start us down the slippery slope toward allowing farm animals to vote, so giving gays and lesbians legal marriage rights will not start us down the slippery slope toward allowing marriage with animals, the wild-eyed assertions of the anti-gay, tin-foil hat crowd notwithstanding.

Emily K

March 18th, 2009

I can’t stand the Chabad-Lubavitcher segment.

Timothy Kincaid

March 18th, 2009

Clearly if we allow gay couples to marry, they will all buy new houses causing a severe and serious housing shortage. This could wreak havoc on the economy.

Oh wait…. never mind.


March 18th, 2009

@Rick Brentlinger

Just thought I would clear a few things up here for you.

1. This instance of Lamech taking two wives is just an instance exemplifying the ungodly spirit of Cainite culture.

2. You could call it incest, but what else are you to do when there are no other humans around?

3. The passage refers to “sons of God” having relations with many women. That phrase can be translated “sons of gods”, which would refer to the deist complex of many kings of that time. “Sons of gods” was probably just a name for a bunch of princes who formed a gang and liked to sleep around.

Jason D

March 18th, 2009

2. You could call it incest, but what else are you to do when there are no other humans around?

So am I to understand that incest is only incest when other partners aren’t available? What’s the criteria for unavailable? Is incest okay if nobody else wants to go out with you, for example? I’m just trying to understand this suddenly disappearing/reappearing standard for incest.

The fact remains that the slippery slope need go nowhere near gay people to get to incest, polygamy, beastiality, etc.


If marriage is between a man and a woman, then :

a) a man can marry his sister, she is a woman!

b) a man can marry several women, just not at the same wedding, thus each marriage will have one man and one woman, but the marriages will take place simultaneously.

c) a man can marry his dog, as she is a woman(albeit of a different species)

d) a man can marry a female child (she will be a woman, eventually). Funny thing: this was actually quite common, with preteen girls being married to men three or four times her age.

e) a man can marry a female corpse (she used to be a woman).

See, incest, polygamy, beastiality, pedophilia, and even necrophilia all without a glimmer of homosexuality.

Huh, wonder what’s keeping these things from happening? (hint, the answer is NOT “the bans on same-sex marriage).


March 18th, 2009


Your comment goes off on a wildy sensationalist tangent.

You said,

Is incest okay if nobody else wants to go out with you, for example? I’m just trying to understand this suddenly disappearing/reappearing standard for incest.

Surely you aren’t as oblivious as you type to be. But to be safe, I’ll explain.

This was a situation where either: A)we procreate with family Or B) Our entire race dies out.

It is not quite as trivial as the dateless scenario you proposed.


March 18th, 2009

The only people who argue that all people could go gay are people who actually have gay desires. If someone has no gay desires whatsoever they would see how ridiculous such a comment is. Anytime someone makes such a ludicrous argument I go on the assumption he or she is a closeted gay.

Jason D

March 18th, 2009

Surely you aren’t as oblivious as you type to be. But to be safe, I’ll explain.

This was a situation where either: A)we procreate with family Or B) Our entire race dies out.

It is not quite as trivial as the dateless scenario you proposed.

my point is that incest is incest regardless of whether or not other people are available. Is it understandable? Perhaps, but that doesn’t magically make it NOT incest.

Lynn David

March 18th, 2009

2. You could call it incest, but what else are you to do when there are no other humans around?

Should not the Christian answer be that one should pray for a proper mate?

As to Jim’s idea, it is imminently probable that if gay marriage is allowed that the straights will find that a gay couple will move into their midst out in the suburbs. The two of them will fix up their now fabulous home, manicured yard, luscious gardens, perfectly heated pool, etc., which leads wives in the surrounding now shabby-appearing area to brow-beating their respective husband with words to the effect that ‘why can’t you do things around the house like Larry and Lynn?’ Sadly enough the emasculated straight male then feeling a downturn in his masculinity either relents – further driving the couple into debt, becomes morose and drives their marriage into a divorce, or becomes homicidal. Or lastly, he sees a new light and takes up with his neighbors husband.

Thus giving the AFA, FotF, etc., the definitive reason for stopping gay marriage.

Emily K

March 18th, 2009

Polygamy is celebrated in the Torah, and ordained by G-d as a blessed type of arrangement. Jacob married Rachel and Leah, both of whom are revered and respected matriarchs of my faith. Wiki gives a good sum-up (emphases mine):

In the modern day, Rabbinic Judaism has essentially outlawed polygamy. Ashkenazi Jews have followed Rabbenu Gershom’s ban since the 11th century.[31] Some Sephardi and Mizrahi Jews (particularly those from Yemen and Iran) discontinued polygamy much more recently, as they emigrated to countries where it was forbidden. The State of Israel has severely limited the ability for Jews to enter polygamous marriages,[32] but instituted provisions for existing polygamous families immigrating from countries where the practice was legal.

Among Karaite Jews, who do not adhere to Rabbinic interpretations of the Torah, polygamy is almost non-existent today. Like other Jews, Karaites interpret Leviticus 18:18 to mean that a man can only take a second wife if his first wife gives her consent (Keter Torah on Leviticus, pp.96—97) and Karaites interpret Exodus 21:10 to mean that a man can only take a second wife if he is capable of maintaining the same level of marital duties due to his first wife; the marital duties are 1) food, 2) clothing, and 3) sexual gratification. Because of these two biblical limitations and because nearly all countries outlaw it, polygamy is considered highly impractical, and there are only a few known cases of it among Karaite Jews today.


March 18th, 2009


I would agree with you. How any real heterosexual could say something like that and believe it to be true would require that they be completely and utterly out of touch with their own sexual feelings…or gay.


March 19th, 2009

the imam’s comment is stupid enough to warrant a cartoon about it……

…oh silly me, most imams tend to be a bit sensitive to that kind of criticism don’t they?


March 19th, 2009

Tom Brock should also get the “True Cameronite” award as well. Everytime he talks about gays on his local radio program, he brings up the “Gays die young BS”. The only technique that will work with these guys is defest of their proposals. Reason, caring and compassion are things they abhor.

-Who is ashamed to share Minnesota with such complete stupidity.


March 19th, 2009

Here’s our prediction: Same-sex marriage will cause religious fundamentalists (who mutually think each other is a worshipper of Satan) to start talking to each other.

After they have done dealing with us the situation will return to normal: they’ll return to avoidance, scorn, pogroms, slander, bombs, beheadings, etc. Of each other.

I guess it’s not really a ‘prediction’ if it’s a dead certainty or if it’s already happened, but, heh.

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