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What does ‘hate’ look like?

Timothy Kincaid

June 29th, 2011

Maggie Gallagher loves to pretend that all gay people are screaming “hater” and “bigot” at every person who disagrees with us over full marriage equality. We aren’t. In fact, most gay organizations and a good many bloggers avoid using the words “hate” and “bigot” partly for just that reason and partly because using such terms loosely leaves us nothing for when true evil is encountered.

But sometimes we do see hate and it’s useful to know what it looks like.

Hate has an intentional desire to see harm or hurt come to others. Hate delights in the misery of others. Hate refuses to empathize, seeing the other as an enemy, someone so vile that you can’t put yourself in their shoes. Hate prioritizes the ill treatment of others, even above what is in its own best interest. Hate assumes the worst about others, ignoring any chance of decency.

Which brings me to the Batesville Arkansas Daily Guard. Now I’m not suggesting that Batesville (population about 10,000) is any less fascinating or newsworthy than any other similarly sized community, but a quick glance illustrates that obituaries make up a sizable chunk of the Daily Guard.

And it was to the obituaries that Terence James turned when John Millican, his partner of the past decade, passed away. And the Daily Guard ran Millican’s obituary complete with reference to parents and distant siblings, but no reference whatsoever to Mr. James. In the view of the Daily Guard, he simple didn’t exist.

When criticized, the Daily Guard responded with the usual “It’s not a gay thing. We don’t list unmarried couples, in-laws, or pets in the free obituaries.” Just real family, you know. But, even so, I’m not willing to call this hate. Ignorance, yes. Prejudice, certainly. But not necessarily hate.

However what they did next is simply unforgivable.

The Daily Guard promised to apologize and to reconsider their policy. Instead, they decided to humiliate Mr. Jones and to defame him. Seeing him in grief, they decided to compound the pain and to delight in his misery.

On June 27, the Daily Guard ran this editorial:

It was brought to our attention Terence James had a problem with our policy because he was not listed in the free obituary as a life partner. Once again, free obituaries do not list life partners or significant others, nor does it list in-laws or ex-spouses. Our local funeral homes know that if the obituary is not marked “paid” it will run to our free format.

Because we wanted to have all the information on the allegations, we did what any good newspaper would do: Our homework. After speaking with the funeral directors who assisted Mr. James, we learned he was REPEATEDLY told he would not be listed in the free obituary. (Contrary to what Mr. James said in a television interview, his mother was told the same thing, according to the directors.) The funeral director went on to say MR. JAMES MADE IT CLEAR TO THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR HE DID NOT WANT TO BE OUT THE EXPENSE OF A PAID OBITUARY.

After obtaining a copy of the paperwork filled out by Mr. James at the funeral home, we learned he listed two cats as daughters and a dog as a son. Once again, Mr. James was told by the director the Guard does not list pets as survivors in a free obituary.

We deal with the death of loved ones on a daily basis and our established policy allows us to do that with consistency. Listing pets as children is a direct slap in the face to every grieving parent who has buried a child, young or old.

This begs the question of exactly what MOTIVE Mr. James had when he began giving out FALSE information to news channels and various organizations in order to promote his own AGENDA.

Because of Mr. James, the Guard has come under fire for the policies that are in place for EVERYONE.

The Guard does not owe Mr. James a free obituary or an apology.

We can ignore all the nonsense about James listing pets. After Leona Helmsley’s obsession, those people who think of their pets as children may seem sad or silly, but they are hardly slapping anyone in the face. That was just gratuitously included so as to disparage James.

The motivation of the Daily Guard can be seen in two clauses “in place for EVERYONE” and “promote his own AGENDA”. To the Daily Guard, Terrence James – and indeed any surviving partner – is not part of everyone. Everyone has no need to include a life partner, Everyone doesn’t have one. Everyone is heterosexual.

And as for those who might have such a need, well clearly they have an AGENDA.

So take that, Terrence James. You can’t criticize the Daily Guard! They’ll put you and your agenda in its place. You think you’re grieving now, you just wait til they get done with you.

I can understand an ignorant and thoughtless policy. I can sympathize with the Daily Guard feeling unfairly challenged. But there’s no space for berating the grieving. There’s no good reason for trying to make Mr. James feel pain over the Guard’s own inconsideration.

That is just hate.

Comments

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Muscat
June 29th, 2011 | LINK

Truly vomitous.

Dawn
June 30th, 2011 | LINK

Too bad there aren’t enough people to stop and say to advertisers that you won’t shop at their locations until they stop advertising in this paper

Erica
June 30th, 2011 | LINK

I experienced similar insensitivity when a University newspaper censored an obituary I had written about a close friend, to remove all reference to him being gay and all mention of his surviving parner. The changes were completely unauthorised. They did apologise in the next issue, but reading your story makes me feel angry about it all over again.

Priya Lynn
June 30th, 2011 | LINK

Maggie Gallagher’s actions are no less hateful than the Guard’s. In fact as she seeks to actually harm gays and not just insult them, her actions are more hateful.

I have no problem with people who don’t want to not calling her and the other anti-marriage groups hateful bigots, but that’s what they are and I for one won’t pretend otherwise.

many
June 30th, 2011 | LINK

Arkansas Governor Covers for The Arkansas Newspaper.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlGz1CeZgwU&feature=player_embedded#at=251

Harold Hughes
June 30th, 2011 | LINK

We spent the morning holding a silent vigil outside the Batesville Guard this morning, and received some assurances from the paper that they would print the obituary as written, and that their board would review the policy at a called meeting. We must keep up the pressure on this.

Christine
July 1st, 2011 | LINK

I think you are too generous to bigots.

Discriminatory policies are harmful (and many who support them do so out of hatefulness).

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