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News and commentary about the anti-gay lobbyNovember 14th, 2011
I feel awful. I just flaunted my sexuality to a stranger.
It’s time for a new bed. Tempur-Pedics are pricey and apparently make some people feel overheated. I researched an alternative called TempFlow, which has a factory showroom near my work. They arranged to have a salesman waiting for me, so I warned them:
I won’t be buying today. I can’t buy anything until my partner checks it out. He’d kill me if I bought a bed without letting him test it.
The salesman laughed in commiseration. Our opponents, though, have taught me that deep inside he must have been suffering: I’d just shoved my sexuality down his throat! Since then I’ve pondered how I could have phrased that without violating his religious freedom to work in a place free of the homofascist harassment and bullying I’d just subjected him to.
Obviously, as a first step, I could choose not to refer to Will as “he.” That’s still leaves the problematic “partner,” though — who besides homosexuals refers to their partner as “partner”?
Finally I came up with this:
I won’t be buying today. I can’t buy anything until the person with whom I share my bed checks it out. The person with whom I share my bed kill me if I bought a bed without letting person with whom I share my bed test it.
There. That’s perfectly natural and not awkward at all. I feel like such an ogre for not plotting this out beforehand, perhaps typing it up so that I could read it from my computer screen, alongside inoffensive versions of a few hundred other comments I might have needed.
Now if I can just figure out an inoffensive way to lie down on the showroom bed and check it out with Will…
[UPDATE: Please see http://www.boxturtlebulletin.com/2011/11/14/38790.]
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Zaylinda
November 14th, 2011
oh, how terrible for the poor salesperson!
Also, as a bisexual person in a heterosexual relationship, I refer to my partner as my partner. I like it because it doesn’t have assumption of gender or gender roles for either of us. It has no history of hierarchy. We are partners.
Muscat
November 14th, 2011
A fair number of people in the academic community refer to their SO/spouse as their partner – at least within academic settings.
But obviously the answer is for you to pretend you have to wait to decide, then have Will come in separately and decide if he likes the bed, and then one of you actually come in to buy it. Or you should have Will along as a “friend” who is helping you pick out a bed. In other words, keep it in the closet.
David in Houston
November 14th, 2011
You don’t even have to worry about how to refer to your um… partner. Fortunately, the salesman is religious, and won’t be selling you a bed anyway. Because of his chosen religious beliefs, his God has told him that your lifestyle is sinful. If he were to sell you a bed, that would be tacitly approving of your homosexuality, and that makes God angry. So enjoy sleeping in cardboard boards the way God intended. Amen.
—————–
Great article, Rob. It really does point out the absurdity of the “shoving it down my throat” meme.
David in Houston
November 14th, 2011
That should have read “cardboard boxes”. My kingdom for an edit button :-/
Rob Tisinai
November 14th, 2011
Let me make it clear that the salesman in no way indicated that his religious sensibilities were offended, or even that he had any. That’s not the point. The point is that as a member of tiny minority that already demands the special right called “existence,” it’s my responsibility to ASSUME he has good and moral sensibilities that my open presence would be sure to offend.
Rob Tisinai
November 14th, 2011
Muscat, if Will and I test the beds separately, how can we know how they’ll feel when we’re on them together?
Obviously, I need a female friend, 6’2″ and 185lb to help me out. Finding such a person and prevailing upon her to accompany me is what our reasonable opponents quite reasonably call a “reasonable accommodation” of their views.
tristram
November 14th, 2011
“Obviously, I need a female friend, 6’2″ and 185lb to help me out.”
Weight distribution factors might throw off your comfort number. Just sayin.’
Lucrece
November 14th, 2011
Damn gay ogres and their salacious impositions.
Timothy (TRiG)
November 14th, 2011
(a) Wonderful article, Rob.
(b) Go for memory foam. I’ve never regretted that.
TRiG.
Jerry
November 14th, 2011
Rob, I believe it’s a mistake to assume that religiously inclined people have sensibilities of any kind. They often seem to have nothing more than righteous indignation because their sky daddy hasn’t struck us dead with the jawbone of his ass.
Just sayin.
Christopher Eberz
November 14th, 2011
Ha! Sharing this.
Darina
November 14th, 2011
Shame on you, Rob, think of all the gay porn scenarios featuring you and your mystery male partner in that same bed that the poor salesman could have imagined – only to be righteously indignant with them, of course! ;)
Kathy
November 14th, 2011
I say, “Shove, shove and keep on shoving”. I say use whatever you use to describe each other: partner, spouse, husband, etc. The more gay people are out, the better.
Nick Thiwerspoon
November 14th, 2011
Funny. And pointed. Like all good satire.
Charles
November 14th, 2011
You should have kept a straight face and jokingly asked him to join you on the bed to see if it suited you. Don’t buy anything from this jerk.
Rob Tisinai
November 14th, 2011
Charles, the salesman’s behavior was impeccable: friendly, informative, helpful. I only knew that he was suffering inside because the folks at NOM have educated me (and all other decent people) on the terrible harm we inflict on them by being… um, well — just by BEING.
Rob in San Diego
November 15th, 2011
Mormon boys came to my house and my partner and I kissed in front of them and asked how we could help them…
Amicus
November 15th, 2011
I can’t believe the salesman laughed at your caveat. What’s wrong with him?
I mean, everyone knows that homosexuality is akin to man-on-dog, and I can’t believe they’d let a dog try out a mattress.
Unless…you were Leona Helmsley. It always pays to wear diamonds and call yourself “The Queen”.
Priya Lynn
November 15th, 2011
“Mormon boys came to my house and my partner and I kissed in front of them and asked how we could help them…”.
Cool!
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