Box Turtle Bulletin
News and commentary about the anti-gay lobby“Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife…”
News and commentary about the anti-gay lobbyFebruary 8th, 2012
Our opponents love to compare the physical and emotional health of straights versus gays. Our typical response, when those numbers go against us, is to point out that those very critics are part of the problem. I was raised in a conservative home, and when I left western Pennsylvania for Stanford grad school, just south of San Francisco, my father warned me, “Watch out for the homosexuals” (and I did). I grew up barely knowing there was a culture of men attracted to men — many cultures of men attracted to men — and the little info I had was execrable.
Ultimately, though, comparing straights and gays is meaningless to me because I’m gay. Even if it truly is a harder row to hoe, that doesn’t matter, because I don’t have a choice. We make the best of of what we have, and now that I’m 50 I can see that my character, with its strengths and with its weaknesses, would bring me the same joys and sorrows no matter what my sexuality.
But there is a comparison I would like to see, a comparison that by its nature is impossible to make. I’d like to see a study that takes gay men who accept their sexuality and who find love with other men, and compares them to homosexuals who never even try, who never admit their sexuality, who live alone in the closet, or who drag poor, unsuspecting wives with them. That’s the comparison that matters.
Or perhaps even that’s irrelevant. Even if the best sociologists could prove that closet cases are healthier and happier, I still wouldn’t send my partner Will packing. Would you? But the next time some bigot (or one of their well-meaning sheep) start tossing out statistics on gay vs. straight, I’m going to tell them it doesn’t matter. Because that’s not my choice. My only choice is to be authentic or not, and being my only choice, it’s the only choice that matters.
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Erin
February 9th, 2012
I know they love to throw AIDS and STD stats out there. I always like to ask them what the stats are for lesbians, and then point out to them, if we’re going to go by those stats to decide which is the best kind of relationship, the lesbians would win. Then I like to apply something similar to their own logic and suggest maybe all men need to just be single and celibate. Of course, that is ridiculous, but that is the point. Safe sex prevents AIDS. Sleeping with people you’ve known a long time and trust more helps. You are absolutely right in that a society that marginalizes gays encourages more risky sexual encounters in order to protect anonymity.
Then my last point about this whole topic isn’t as strong and might even make some people mad if they don’t realize I’m speaking in generalities. Generally, it is pretty widely accepted that men have a higher sex drive than women. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn’t. Maybe men are just more open about their sex drives, because of how attitudes toward sex differ between men and women. It is common that if a guy hooks up with a random girl for a one time thing, his buddies high-five him, but women who do the same are called sluts. But anyway, if we accept that men just have a higher sex drive and desire sex more often,or at least get a pass for acting this way, I think that helps explain how men who have sex with other men will maybe be having more sex as a collective group than heterosexual men and lesbians. Plus, being gay, they’ve already shattered some of the old-fashioned “values” about sex. Our culture has been very hostile in the past and even sometimes nowadays to any kind of sex other than man and wife. The anti-gays love to dismiss sex for pleasure as evil. The fact that we turn out gay despite how we were brought up challenges us to think about sex differently. I personally think sex is a wonderful thing if practiced with honesty, respect, and the proper safety precautions. And my being a lesbian has a lot to do with that. I’m sure other gay people must have gone through the same thought process, and as such felt more free to have recreational sex. Back when Aids began, it spread so quickly but took a while for the public to realize what it was, exactly how it was spread, and how to prevent it. Now, because of our history, our community is the most aware of it. We’re seeing it spread today in poverty-stricken areas the most. Poverty tends to fuel a lack of education as well as depression. Depression can lead to drug abuse and other risky behaviors. That is a deadly combination when it comes to the spread of STD’s. Of course, most bigots who bring up HIV/AIDS stats never consider any of these points when I make them, and they never directly answer my points about lesbian std stats. Usually they ignore it or change the subject. All in all, they throw every stupid thing that doesn’t even address the issues we’re fighting for. Most of their arguments usually point to the fact that they simply don’t want us to be gay. Bringing up HIV/AIDS doesn’t actually make a point against same sex marriage. Homosexual relationships will continue to exist with or without the recognition of the state. And even if we’re allowed to marry, there will always be those bachelors that would rather keep playing the field. This is about the fact that they don’t want LGBT people to exist at all, and if we must, we must never act on it and we have to stay hidden away in a closet.
Amicus
February 9th, 2012
Nice. Short. Sweet. To the point.
I’d suggest that the nexus of health and wellness and the ‘gay factor’ is twofold.
1. A cynical use of public health as an available coercive, legal framework.
To access this framework, some of the most vile stuff ever written about gays has been written, in my opinion.
2. A more legitimate inquiry into the moral fitness of a course of action.
Things that are immoral and unhealthy. Things that are moral are healthy. (You may remember eudaimonism from your work with Robbie George’s disgusting, Harvard-published piece).
While healthy is not the same thing as morally fit, and might be considered extrinsic, it is nevertheless an intuitive moral framework.
So, the question is, if there is a choice, is it better to do this or to do that. One might look the the consequences of each to infer something about the inherent nature of its moral fitness. So,if gambling turns you into an addict (i.e. an addicted person, not just a person who gambles incessantly but could stop), then it’s intrinsically bad.
Casting about for negative outcomes is therefore legitimate inquiry, until you finally come to a realization or conclusion one way or the other.
It’s fairly obvious, for a long time now, that, despite always being on the formidable uphill any sexual minority would face, that gay is not inherently unhealthy, mentally or physically, for gays.
guest
February 9th, 2012
Unfortunately, because homophobes do believe being gay is a choice, they think that straight man & woman who are in stable, healthy relationships with each other, can be compared to gay men & women who may be down on the dumps. Funny how they always pick the one heterosexual who happens to be in a good mood most of the time. I guess if you say you use anti-depression pills, you “don’t count.” Likewise, how they always look for that homosexual that’s depressed, while ignoring any that are happy. But I digress.
Still, I see a good point here about comparing gay men & women, whom are in stable, happy relationships, (coincidentally, similar to the guy stable, healthy relationship the heterosexual couple mention above) compared to closeted gays who lie about themselves. *coughmajorityofhomophobescough*
Amicus
February 9th, 2012
oh, while I was busy going off like a windy footnote in a boring journal, just there, I should come to the point (and apologize for writing “and” instead of “are”).
I’m with you all the way to the last paragraph.
I think if being with the invitingly handsome man in the picture were causing you other and systematic unhappiness, we’d be looking for a cure for homosexuality, not answering the question whether you *should* be slightly less unhappy play-acting as a non-gay.
As it is, however, science does not bear that out. Nor does anecdote. Nor does testimony, for anyone with ears to hear.
We are left, then, with “normal variant”, not pathology.
Charkes
February 9th, 2012
I had great difficulty accepting my homosexuality. I came of age in the 1960s, going off to college in 1969. I too grew up in a very conservative but loving household. My story is too long to get into here, but I finally snapped in 2007 when I tried to take my own life. I was carrying around a secret that was destroying my very being/soul
TampaZeke
February 9th, 2012
AGAIN I ask, why are only MEN discussed when this topic comes up? Is this just another case of castrating and dismissing female sexuality or is it a case of “innocent women and children” to ignore the fact that lesbians marry unsuspecting men? Every time the topic of gay people marrying straight people comes up it is never about gay people marrying straight people but always rather about evil, despicable, lying gay men marrying poor, innocent women victims. It seems that the only time lesbians marrying straight men is ever brought up is when they’re talked about as heroes for having the courage and dignity to come out and divorce (often taking the children, the house and the alimony with them). The same people who will state with great indignation that a gay man who comes out to his wife and kids should walk away with NOTHING and have no contact with the kids as punishment for their dishonesty will then turn around and express outrage that a man is seeking full custody of his kids from his lesbian ex-wife. There is such a double standard here. I expect such from a gender conforming obsessed straight community but I find it strange that gay people fall into this gender bias trap.
I’ve asked this question NUMEROUS times but no one seems to have an answer of why it’s the case.
Priya Lynn
February 9th, 2012
Rob, The American Psychiatric Association states unequivocally that gays who positively accept their sexual orientation are happier and better adjusted than those who do not. I can’t imagine they’d make such a statement if there weren’t research to back it up.
Erin said “Generally, it is pretty widely accepted that men have a higher sex drive than women. Maybe that is true and maybe it isn’t.”.
I know for me there was a HUGE difference in my sex drive before and after I started taking testosterone blockers. Sex used to be something that was almost constantly on my mind and VERY pressing. Now my sex drive is perhaps 1 or 2 percent of what it was, I just about never think about sex and when I do its pretty fleeting instead of fantasies that could last hours. Having said that I was with some women who were very into sex and seemed to have almost as strong a sex drive as I used to have. I’ve also been with other women who were just as indifferent to sex as I am now. I kind of regret I didn’t become one of those women with a strong sex drive, fantasies were a great form of always available entertainment.
Donny D.
February 10th, 2012
Erin wrote,
A psychiatrist I spoke to recently told me that depression in and of itself is a risk factor for having unsafe sex and seroconversion.
Donny D.
February 10th, 2012
Rob,
I’d include for a third category of mostly or exclusively homosexual people, an intermediate and perhaps newly numerous cohort: those who acknowledge themselves as gay but who have a lot of negative feelings toward the out gay community, carry around more homophobia than openly gay people tend to, and who may even be gaybashers, verbally or physically. That would include, for example, a significant subgroup of people (perhaps the majority) who are GOProud supporters or have similar politics. I think they need to be distinguished from most “out and proud” gay people, because they are different enough that they need to be understood in their own right.
Donny D.
February 10th, 2012
Charkes, I’m glad you survived and got through what you did to accept yourself as you are.
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