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Masturbation is Satan’s Plot to Silence the Church Forever

Rob Tisinai

October 2nd, 2012

I found some more unintended hilarity. JoeMyGod points us to a new Christian political party:

As the Party of No Compromise, the New Independent Christian Party intends to influence the outcome of American elections and uphold the Godly principles by which America was built and by which Christians believe, live and exist.

I took a moment to look into the party founders and discovered this, written by  Bishop Janice Fountaine:

The practice of homosexuality and self-pleasure, are age old systems, being recharged and reorganized for end-time warfare. It is being orchestrated from the diabolical realms of the supernatural and manifested on earth, with the overall intention, to silence the church forever. These actions, by satan, is an all out declaration of victory, as the church finds itself caught off guard and intertwined in his evil end-time warafre, strategies and systems.

I imagine the enemy’s plan looks something like this:

Step 1:  Masturbate.

Step 2:  ???

Step 3:  Satan!

Just remember that when your thoughts stray down Gyllenhaal lane.

Comments

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Raybob
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

Step 2: Refer to step 1

Snowman
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

Things that make you go “Huh?”

tristram
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

I’m guessing that the whole thing about the NICP is sourced to Onion via the FARS Iranian new agency?

F Young
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

Just what we need, extreme right-wing parties for right wing extremists to waste their vote on…

…and get a Democrat elected in a swing riding!

More power to them!

Ryan
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

“Stray down Gyllenhaal lane.” Holy crap, that’s awesome. I *really* want that to become a new euphemism. We’ve got to male it catch on, people!

Edwin in Colorado
October 2nd, 2012 | LINK

I guess all the straight that jack off are going to join satan too?

Patrick Hogan
October 3rd, 2012 | LINK

Masturbation and homosexuality silence the church? So jerking off to gay porn counts double, right?

I don’t know if it works, but I suppose I’ll head off and start shushing the pope, so to speak.

jerry
October 3rd, 2012 | LINK

Hey, nobody has mentioned orgies. That ought to set the hair on fire of the New Independent Christian party.

We can watch them sizzle.

Ben in Oakland
October 4th, 2012 | LINK

First, that’s UP Gyllenhal lane.

second, subject verb disagreement, assuming not a typo by BTB agents of Satan, is indeed a sign of the end times.

and masturbation is an age old system? Do you mean there are rules, regulations, government?

Greetings, BTW, from Chile.

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