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Porno Pete Brings Deliverance To Ohio

Jim Burroway

February 10th, 2009

Peter LaBarbera called out his minions to protest an S&M conference taking place in the Columbus, Ohio suburb of Worthington. Here’s who turned out:

“Is it a homo paper?” asked a scruffy 50+ man who spoke broken English with an Appalachian twang. In one hand he waved a large sign with the anagram “Gross Anus Yearning Sodomists” (whatever in the world that means) and in the other, he had two naked Ken dolls taped together in the position commonly referred to as “doggy style”.

(Imagine, a grown man buying two Ken dolls, stripping them down, brainstorming the most pornographic position for them, then taping them together. They were taped pretty tightly, too, with clear tape, so you know he spent a lot of time on it. This image would be hilarious if they weren’t so adamant about attributing their opinions to God himself.)

Now for the record, I grew up in Appalachia and I do still enjoy going home whenever I can. I’m not a fan of the stereotypes, and I always thought the movie Deliverance was little more than a 109-minute running cheap shot. But even though I still have something of an Appalachian twang left in me (at least, what hasn’t been corrupted by my fifteen years in Dallas), I’ll let that go this time. Go ahead and cue the banjos. He deserves it. He’s got less sense than God gave fleas.

The reporter continues:

…The two women picketing alongside him swarmed me. “If you hate this then you hate god!” said the first woman, brandishing her sign towards me. She preached the loudest of them all. As she also refused to give her name, and owning to her frazzled grey hair and pious hatred, we’ll call her Carrie’s Mom. (Seriously, her resemblance to the Stephen King character was uncanny.)

The second woman, who looked like your grandma only with a heart full of hate, was more diplomatic in her explanation of the protest. “We don’t hate homos,” she explained, her voice full of pity. “We just don’t like them having a conference here.”

Because The Peter was coy with the facts, his faithful readership had their own facts completely screwed up. The S&M conference full of “homos” they were all upset about? It’s actually being put on and attended mostly by heterosexuals. In other words, it’s mostly straight people who are doing god-knows-what in a closed off wing of the hotel with three layers of security so no wandering innocents could accidentally stumble in  — yet it’s “the homos” who are getting the blame.

Yes, I know. Buried in there somewhere, The Peter belatedly acknowledged that this isn’t “a homo” event. But when all you talk about is homosexuals and you name your keyboard “Americans For Truth About Homosexuality” with no apparent ironic intent, and you talk about this event without actually describing who is putting it on and who is attending it, then you can’t be too surprised if some of your readers draw their own conclusions.

Which may be why “Carrie’s Mom” sees this event as more evidence of the end of days:

“There’s other people who are going to use those conference rooms!” she said, her hysteria almost tangible. “This kind of behavior will bring a civilization to its knees–with the baby killing and the sodomy!” she said, quoting scripture verses and shaking her head at me. She cited the current economic crises as proof that “the homos” were single-handedly responsible for the near-collapse of Capitalism and the global economic system.

Good Lord! As my great-great aunt used to say, these people don’t have one particle bit of sense. From now on, whenever I see The Peter use the word “Deliverance” in connection with homosexuality, it will always have a completely new meaning.

Smart crowd you draw there, Pete. You made ’em madder’n a wet hen. I’d think you’d be proud of yourself for being so influential. So why are you suddenly acting so embarrassed?



Pat Tibbs
February 10th, 2009 | LINK

With respect to Buckeyes still living in Ohio, I’m REALLY glad I moved away in 1982.

Emily K
February 10th, 2009 | LINK

you can’t just pick and choose who represents you when it comes to public protest. So you have to make it abundantly clear, early and often, what kind of organization you are running; which will be reflected in the kind of people who will represent you. Attending a “Join the Impact” protest, they handed us instructions for what to do and what not to do.

Considering the outrageous details that LaBabs uses to titilate his audience are designed to get them riled up into an outrage, it doesn’t surprise me that outright lies, hatred, and outrage will be met with people who act as those in the article.

Maybe you should be clearer, next time, Petey.

But something tells me you said exactly what you wanted to say.

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

In fact, the only public offense at the convention was due to the pornographic signs and dolls the protesters were waving at the oncoming traffic. Without their taking their infatuation to the streets, the general public wouldn’t have been aware that anyone was even thinking of having sex in the rooms of the Holiday Inn.

Now that, you must admit, is hilarious.

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

I think its the polluted water that produces the Appalachian effect.

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

At first I thought Porno Pete was just branching out, but he seems determined to tie it all – somehow – to gays. He’s just found out that these conventions go on with some regularity around the country all the time, and has dragged out his Folsom Street Fair picture book because… well, it has to be the gays fault, doesn’t it?

NBC4 quotes Susan Wright, a spokeswoman for the Columbus-based Adventures in Sexuality group with her response to peoples’ concern that OMG, what if these people swam in the pool, or what if *gasp* there was a wedding reception in the conference room the next day.

“Sex is not allowed at the conference. It’s not allowed at any S&M conference,“ she said.

Well, not in the public areas, anyway.

Come on people! Really, do they think that the only people staying in hotels are families on their way to Disney World? Sex, happening in a hotel room? Who ‘a thought?

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

To paraphrase Tina Fey on SNL as Sarah Palin, “sex in a hotel is a sacred act that should be limited to men cheating on their wives.”

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

Does Porno Pete attend any leather-free events???

February 10th, 2009 | LINK

You will know the true christians by their love.

Petey just brings out the love in some people, I guess.

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