NOM’s criteria for marriage

Timothy Kincaid

August 2nd, 2010

I posted this as a comment on the blogsite of NOM’s Louis Marinelli, but it amused me enough to repost it here:

The National Organization for Marriage will happily recognize my marriage if I:

marry someone 20 years older
marry someone 20 years younger
marry someone on death row
marry someone I’ve never met
marry someone of a different race
marry someone of a different faith
marry someone who clearly loves my things more than me
marry someone who has been divorced 8 times
marry someone who wants children
marry someone who doesn’t want children
marry someone who doesn’t much like sex
marry someone who can’t have sex
marry someone for companionship
marry someone for their connections
marry someone for their wealth
marry someone because my family wants me to
marry someone in a arranged marriage
marry someone with an Elvis impersonator presiding
marry someone for eternity in the Mormon temple
marry someone only until death do us part
marry absolutely anyone in absolutely any way with absolutely any purpose and absolutely any agenda

EXCEPT that they can’t have a penis. Because that’s what REALLY matters in marriage: who has a penis.

Evan Hurst

August 3rd, 2010

Timothy, you have to understand. In the Marinelli/NOM worldview, patriarchal penis worship/sperm magic is SACRED. You’d think that adding more penises to the mix would make them happy, but no, because this conflicts with every man’s God Given Right to have HIS penis be the one and only boss of one ore more vagina-havers.

They call this a “religion,” by the way.

Ryan

August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget, you can also marry someone in a mosque. Or in a courthouse while dressed as a clown and spitting on a picture of Jesus.

Evan Hurst

August 3rd, 2010

And statistically, if you get married while spitting on a picture of Jesus, you’re likely to be an atheist, and thus your marriage is more likely to last than if you were a Christian.

Steve

August 3rd, 2010

And, don’t forget that NOM will continue to recognize your marriage as equal to every other marriage:

27 years after you leave your wife to live with your girlfriend (like Warren Buffett)

15 years after you leave your wife to build a life with your boyfriend (like Jann Wenner)

Or, if your marital life ends for any reason, but divorce would be inconvenient, messy, expensive, or screw up the health insurance.

(Source: NYTimes: The Un-Divorced)

TampaZeke

August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget the sacred marriages of those who found their spouse-to-be on a network reality show.

Or those who get married at the Renaissance Festival, or at the ends of bungy cords, or while plummeting to earth in a parachute jump, or on the floor of the ocean in scuba gear, or with their dogs standing in as ring bearer and flower girl, or BEST MAN…

TampaZeke

August 3rd, 2010

Or SIXTY or SEVENTY years younger/older than you. Wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith’s last husband that much older than her?

Or for YOUR 8th, 9th, 10th…time.

Or because your pregnant, MAGGIE.

Or to a person who is gay, as long as they are of the opposite sex to you.

TampaZeke

August 3rd, 2010

your = you’re. I hate when I do that!

Erin

August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget first cousins…

Markus

August 3rd, 2010

You can also marry a man who has 15 children (all of whom he’s abandoned) by 15 different women or a woman who has 8 children by 8 different men.

You can marry a person with a long record of domestic violence and/or child abuse.

You can marry a person who murdered two or three of his previous wives, and tried to kill another, like Peterson.

Guy Tanzer

August 9th, 2010

You forgot:

marry someone while an aggrieved third party/parent has a double-barreled shotgun pointed at your back.

marry someone while parachuting to earth.

Mandy Cat

August 9th, 2010

Or, like Newt Gingrich: dump two wives, marry a third and STILL have the Catholic Church happy to welcome you to the fold.

Leave A Comment

All comments reflect the opinions of commenters only. They are not necessarily those of anyone associated with Box Turtle Bulletin. Comments are subject to our Comments Policy.

(Required)
(Required, never shared)

PLEASE NOTE: All comments are subject to our Comments Policy.

 

Latest Posts

The Things You Learn from the Internet

"The Intel On This Wasn't 100 Percent"

From Fake News To Real Bullets: This Is The New Normal

NC Gov McCrory Throws In The Towel

Colorado Store Manager Verbally Attacks "Faggot That Voted For Hillary" In Front of 4-Year-Old Son

Associated Press Updates "Alt-Right" Usage Guide

A Challenge for Blue Bubble Democrats

Baptist Churches in Dallas, Austin Expelled Over LGBT-Affirming Stance

Featured Reports

What Are Little Boys Made Of?

In this original BTB Investigation, we unveil the tragic story of Kirk Murphy, a four-year-old boy who was treated for “cross-gender disturbance” in 1970 by a young grad student by the name of George Rekers. This story is a stark reminder that there are severe and damaging consequences when therapists try to ensure that boys will be boys.

Slouching Towards Kampala: Uganda’s Deadly Embrace of Hate

When we first reported on three American anti-gay activists traveling to Kampala for a three-day conference, we had no idea that it would be the first report of a long string of events leading to a proposal to institute the death penalty for LGBT people. But that is exactly what happened. In this report, we review our collection of more than 500 posts to tell the story of one nation’s embrace of hatred toward gay people. This report will be updated continuously as events continue to unfold. Check here for the latest updates.

Paul Cameron’s World

In 2005, the Southern Poverty Law Center wrote that “[Paul] Cameron’s ‘science’ echoes Nazi Germany.” What the SPLC didn”t know was Cameron doesn’t just “echo” Nazi Germany. He quoted extensively from one of the Final Solution’s architects. This puts his fascination with quarantines, mandatory tattoos, and extermination being a “plausible idea” in a whole new and deeply disturbing light.

From the Inside: Focus on the Family’s “Love Won Out”

On February 10, I attended an all-day “Love Won Out” ex-gay conference in Phoenix, put on by Focus on the Family and Exodus International. In this series of reports, I talk about what I learned there: the people who go to these conferences, the things that they hear, and what this all means for them, their families and for the rest of us.

Prologue: Why I Went To “Love Won Out”
Part 1: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Part 2: Parents Struggle With “No Exceptions”
Part 3: A Whole New Dialect
Part 4: It Depends On How The Meaning of the Word "Change" Changes
Part 5: A Candid Explanation For "Change"

The Heterosexual Agenda: Exposing The Myths

At last, the truth can now be told.

Using the same research methods employed by most anti-gay political pressure groups, we examine the statistics and the case studies that dispel many of the myths about heterosexuality. Download your copy today!

And don‘t miss our companion report, How To Write An Anti-Gay Tract In Fifteen Easy Steps.

Testing The Premise: Are Gays A Threat To Our Children?

Anti-gay activists often charge that gay men and women pose a threat to children. In this report, we explore the supposed connection between homosexuality and child sexual abuse, the conclusions reached by the most knowledgeable professionals in the field, and how anti-gay activists continue to ignore their findings. This has tremendous consequences, not just for gay men and women, but more importantly for the safety of all our children.

Straight From The Source: What the “Dutch Study” Really Says About Gay Couples

Anti-gay activists often cite the “Dutch Study” to claim that gay unions last only about 1½ years and that the these men have an average of eight additional partners per year outside of their steady relationship. In this report, we will take you step by step into the study to see whether the claims are true.

The FRC’s Briefs Are Showing

Tony Perkins’ Family Research Council submitted an Amicus Brief to the Maryland Court of Appeals as that court prepared to consider the issue of gay marriage. We examine just one small section of that brief to reveal the junk science and fraudulent claims of the Family “Research” Council.

Daniel Fetty Doesn’t Count

Daniel FettyThe FBI’s annual Hate Crime Statistics aren’t as complete as they ought to be, and their report for 2004 was no exception. In fact, their most recent report has quite a few glaring holes. Holes big enough for Daniel Fetty to fall through.