NOM’s criteria for marriage

Timothy Kincaid

August 2nd, 2010

I posted this as a comment on the blogsite of NOM’s Louis Marinelli, but it amused me enough to repost it here:

The National Organization for Marriage will happily recognize my marriage if I:

marry someone 20 years older
marry someone 20 years younger
marry someone on death row
marry someone I’ve never met
marry someone of a different race
marry someone of a different faith
marry someone who clearly loves my things more than me
marry someone who has been divorced 8 times
marry someone who wants children
marry someone who doesn’t want children
marry someone who doesn’t much like sex
marry someone who can’t have sex
marry someone for companionship
marry someone for their connections
marry someone for their wealth
marry someone because my family wants me to
marry someone in a arranged marriage
marry someone with an Elvis impersonator presiding
marry someone for eternity in the Mormon temple
marry someone only until death do us part
marry absolutely anyone in absolutely any way with absolutely any purpose and absolutely any agenda

EXCEPT that they can’t have a penis. Because that’s what REALLY matters in marriage: who has a penis.

Evan Hurst

August 3rd, 2010

Timothy, you have to understand. In the Marinelli/NOM worldview, patriarchal penis worship/sperm magic is SACRED. You’d think that adding more penises to the mix would make them happy, but no, because this conflicts with every man’s God Given Right to have HIS penis be the one and only boss of one ore more vagina-havers.

They call this a “religion,” by the way.


August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget, you can also marry someone in a mosque. Or in a courthouse while dressed as a clown and spitting on a picture of Jesus.

Evan Hurst

August 3rd, 2010

And statistically, if you get married while spitting on a picture of Jesus, you’re likely to be an atheist, and thus your marriage is more likely to last than if you were a Christian.


August 3rd, 2010

And, don’t forget that NOM will continue to recognize your marriage as equal to every other marriage:

27 years after you leave your wife to live with your girlfriend (like Warren Buffett)

15 years after you leave your wife to build a life with your boyfriend (like Jann Wenner)

Or, if your marital life ends for any reason, but divorce would be inconvenient, messy, expensive, or screw up the health insurance.

(Source: NYTimes: The Un-Divorced)


August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget the sacred marriages of those who found their spouse-to-be on a network reality show.

Or those who get married at the Renaissance Festival, or at the ends of bungy cords, or while plummeting to earth in a parachute jump, or on the floor of the ocean in scuba gear, or with their dogs standing in as ring bearer and flower girl, or BEST MAN…


August 3rd, 2010

Or SIXTY or SEVENTY years younger/older than you. Wasn’t Anna Nicole Smith’s last husband that much older than her?

Or for YOUR 8th, 9th, 10th…time.

Or because your pregnant, MAGGIE.

Or to a person who is gay, as long as they are of the opposite sex to you.


August 3rd, 2010

your = you’re. I hate when I do that!


August 3rd, 2010

Don’t forget first cousins…


August 3rd, 2010

You can also marry a man who has 15 children (all of whom he’s abandoned) by 15 different women or a woman who has 8 children by 8 different men.

You can marry a person with a long record of domestic violence and/or child abuse.

You can marry a person who murdered two or three of his previous wives, and tried to kill another, like Peterson.

Guy Tanzer

August 9th, 2010

You forgot:

marry someone while an aggrieved third party/parent has a double-barreled shotgun pointed at your back.

marry someone while parachuting to earth.

Mandy Cat

August 9th, 2010

Or, like Newt Gingrich: dump two wives, marry a third and STILL have the Catholic Church happy to welcome you to the fold.

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