Today In History, 2005: “Current Mood: Depressed”

Jim Burroway

May 29th, 2016

LIA Protest

Remember MySpace, the first large-scale social media site? Remember how posts began with the writer’s current mood? It was typically located right under the post’s title. In this case, the title was, “The World Coming To An Abrupt Stop,” and it was written by sixteen-year-old Zach, who had plenty of reasons to feel depressed. He wrote:

Somewhat recently, as many of you know, I told my parents I was gay. This didn’t go over very well, and it ended with my dad crying, my mom tearing, and me not knowing what I’d done – or what to do. It kind of.. went away for about a week or two I think. They claim it’s because they didn’t want to interfere with my last week or two of school.

Yesterday they told me that I couldn’t go anywhere until I got a job. Out of the blue. Because I’m the most irresponsible child my dad knows – as he told me – mainly because I forget to unload the dishwasher sometimes… it doesn’t matter that I have to clean up after my sisters and myself everyday. It just doesn’t.

Well today, my mother, father, and I had a very long “talk” in my room where they let me know I am to apply for a fundamentalist christian program for gays. They tell me that there is something psychologically wrong with me, and they “raised me wrong.” I’m a big screw up to them, who isn’t on the path God wants me to be on. So I’m sitting here in tears, joing the rest of those kids who complain about their parents on blogs – and I can’t help it.

I wish I had never told them. I wish I just fought the urge two more years… I had done it for three before then, right? If I could take it all back.. I would, to where I never told my parents things and they always were mad at me– It’s better than them crying and depressed cause they will have no granchildren from me. It’s better than them telling me that there’s something wrong with me. It’s better than them explaining to me that they “raised me wrong.”

Currently listening:
Hot Fuss
By The Killers
Release date: By 15 June, 2004

The next day it only got worse:

Monday, May 30, 2005

After The World Stopped, It Gave Me A Lot Of Rules.
Current mood: worried

Yeah, I was upset yesterday.. however I found an email about the rules and regulations of the program. My parents lied to me.. they told me (29th of May) that they didn’t know what the rules were exactly, however, this email wasnt sent on the 26th of May. I see now why they “didn’t know what the rules were.” It’s horrible.. they’re posted below.. and I so worried. It’s like boot camp… but worse. I obviously was not supposed to see this.. Seeing the bottom say “Parental Rules (not to be given to client)”

What is with these people…? Honestly.. how could you support a program like this? If I do come out straight I’ll be so mentally unstable and depressed it wont matter.. I’ll be back in therapy again. This is not good–

Currently listening:
Breakaway
By Kelly Clarkson
Release date: By 30 November, 2004

Zach posted the rules, giving the world first look at what the Memphis-based Love In Action residential ex-gay program was all about. The rules were staggering: hair can’t be too long or too short and can’t be colored, no Abercrombie and Fitch or Calvin Klein clothing, no contact with anyone outside the program, no cell phones, computers, or internet access. No TV, movies or “secular media.” No more than 15 minutes in the bathroom with the door closed while showering. Bedroom doors must be kept open at all times. The rules went on for several pages and were highly detailed.

As a teenager, Zach wasn’t eligible for the adult residential program. Thank God for small favors. Instead, he was sent to the youth-oriented Refuge program, a two-week day camp that would begin on June 6. Thanks to the pre-Facebook/Twitter power of MySpace, Zach’s cry to the world was quickly answered, first with comments of support and outrage over what was about to happen. Zach posted again to thank those who offered their support:

Friday, June 03, 2005

Thanks.. by the way.
Current mood: numb

Thanks. Thank you for all of the comments and messages, they mean a lot. really. I was shocked to see all of this… of course I haven’t been on a computer, phone, nor have I seen any friends in a week almost– Soon. Soon, this will be all over. My mother has said the worst things to me for three days straight… three days. I went numb. That’s the only way I can get through this. I agree, if you’re thinking that these posts might be dramatized.. but the proof of the programs ideas are sitting in the rules. I pray this blows over. I can’t take this… noone can… not really, this kind of thing tears you apart emotionally. To introduce THIS subject… I’m not a suicidal person… really I’m not.. I think it’s stupid – really. But.. I can’t help it, no im not going to commit suicide, all I can think about is killing my mother and myself. It’s so horrible. This is what it’s doing to me… I have this horrible feeling all of the time… I wish this on no person… I’m so satisfied–happy’s too strong of a word the state I’m in– that everyone’s taking the time to email and write letters in complaint to these people. I dont know if it will do anything, but if something did happen it would be — awesome.

It’s been a week of torture – anger, and crying.
Current mood: worried

Hi. I’m not sure if I’m even supposed to be on. I ran away for a short while. I came back and they took everything from me, they don’t want me to have outside influences– i dont know how long im going to be on, because if tehy wake up, im screwed. The program starts June 6 and is until either teh 17th or the 20th. I’m sorry I don’t have time to write back o all of the comments and messages. I’m just here to let everyone know I am still alive, I’m sure you’ve left messages on my cellphone, they took that.. and my keys… and the computer.. and I’ve been homebound. -=sigh=- I just need this to be over. Don’t worry. I’ll get through this. They’ve promised me things will get better whether this program does anything or not. Let’s hope they aren’t lying. I’ve been through hell. I’ve been emotionally torn apart for three days… I can’t remember which days they were.. time’s not what it used to be.

LIA ProtestZach entered Love In Action on June 6. His friends, having seen his MySpace posts, organized a rally for him outside the facility as he showed up that morning with signs reading “It’s Okay to Be Gay” and “We Support You.” The next day, they showed up again, and the day after that and the day after that — for the next two weeks, so Zach would know he wasn’t alone. After a few days, national media began notice. Before long, the whole country learned what was happening behind the locked doors of Love In Action.

The national controversy brought a lot of unwanted attention to Love In Action. It was investigated by the state of Tennessee for child abuse and for operating a separate unlicensed drug and alcohol treatment program. Love In Action eventually settled with the state by re-casting themselves as a Christian ministry rather than as a therapeutic program. A year later, they quietly shut down their youth program.

This Is What Love In Action Looks LikeIn 2012, Memphis filmmaker Morgan Jon Fox released his documentary, This is What Love in Action Looks Like. Zach had remained out of the public eye ever since he left Love In Action, and six years later he still wasn’t giving interviews. But he did agree to appear briefly in the film.

Just as importantly, so did John Smid, Love In Action’s executive director, who by then had established an unlikely friendship with Fox. Smid credits that friendship for being instrumental in his profound change of opinions — about homosexuality, about his role in the ex-gay movement, and about himself personally. Smid resigned from Love In Action in 2008, and had written several letters of apology by 2010. In 2011, Smid wrote that change in orientation was both impossible and unnecessary. Smid and his wife divorced, and he married his current husband in 2014.

Priya Lynn

May 29th, 2016

The “Love” In Action rules show just how incredibly out of touch they were with reality. It would take months, if not years to learn all those rules in order to follow them. I guess if you think people can change their orientation you also think people can learn at an impossible rate.

JEM

May 29th, 2016

Does anyone know how Zach is faring? Has he been able to overcome the trauma he suffered?

Lord_Byron

June 1st, 2016

Personally, if what happened to Zach happened to me I would never be able to forgive my parents. I’d be very inclined to cut off future contact.

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