Ted Haggard: “I’m Not Gay”

Jim Burroway

February 6th, 2007

It’s a miracle! After three whole weeks of “intensive psychological therapy” — yes, that’s right! Twenty-one days to examine a life of some fifty years — we can now be assured that Ted Haggard most definitely is not gay:

[Rev. Tim] Ralph said three weeks of counseling at an undisclosed Arizona treatment center helped Haggard immensely and left Haggard sure of one thing.

“He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting- out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

Nope. Not homosexual. Nothing to see here. According to Haggard’s advisors, all we gotta do now is figure out why he “chose to act out in that manner”.

How about his: He paid a lot of money to have sex with another man. He went back to that man again and again. Could it be because he liked it?

This news comes on the same day that we learn that Astronaut Lisa Marie Nowak is being charged with first degree murder after having attacked a rival for another astronaut’s attention. Nowak, mission specialist on a Space Shuttle Discovery flight last summer, was found in Orlando wearing a trenchcoat and a wig, and she had worn diapers so she wouldn’t have to stop on the 1,000-mile drive from Houston.

Now, mind you, NASA has some pretty sharp psychologists on staff (Dr. Bellows notwithstanding). Astronouts undergo an enormous battery of psychological and physical tests to make sure they are fit to perform their missions. NASA can’t afford to have a nutcase on the shuttle or the space station. And yet, these sharp psychologists apparently missed the ticking time-bomb that finally went off in Nowak’s mind.

But all Haggard’s “therapists” needed were three weeks to figure out he’s really a heterosexual after all.

Daniel Gonzales at Ex-Gay Watch has a great observation in all this. He notes that Dr. Joseph Nicolosi (Daniel’s therapist back in his ex-gay days) believes there are no such thing as homosexuals:

This he’s heterosexual with a homosexual problem of acting out sounds an awful lot like NARTH president Joe Nicolosi who said:

“There is no such thing as a homosexual. Homosexual is a description of a condition, it’s not a description of the person. We are all heterosexual, some heterosexuals have a homosexual problem.”

Much as I too was able to convince myself I was a heterosexual with a homosexual problem that could be dealt with whenever attractions came up, we shall see how long Haggard is willing to keep up the exhausting charade after the honeymoon ends.

I don’t know which ex-gay ministry Haggard went to. But I think it’s time they drop all pretenses of “therapy”. This looks more like a really bad characature of “name it and claim it” theology in action. He calls himself a heterosexual, therefore he is.

And you want to know the really amazing thing about it? His next step is to get an online degree in psychology.

See also:

The Megachurch, Mike Jones, and the Suspension of Disbelief
“There Is A Part Of My Life So Repulsive and Dark…”
Blessed Are The Opportunists
Haggard Resigns; “I Know What You Did Last Night”
Prayers and Assistance for the Haggard Family
I Did Not Have Sex With That Man!
Jones “Fails” Lie Detector?
Fall of the House of Haggard

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