Box Turtle Bulletin

Box Turtle BulletinNews, analysis and fact-checking of anti-gay rhetoric
“Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife…”
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Posts for June, 2015

Santorum’s comments concern the Box of Rocks

Timothy Kincaid

June 1st, 2015

This weekend, one candidate for the GOP nomination for President has made statements that may suggest an implied threat against another. (HuffPo)

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum said on Sunday that if the Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage later this year, he would dispute the decision, saying that the court “doesn’t have the final word.”

“Of course I’d fight it,” he said on NBC’s “Meet the Press.” “Roe versus Wade was decided 30 some years ago, and I continue to fight that, because I think the court got it wrong. And I think if the court decides this case in error, I will continue to fight, as we have on the issue of life … We’re not bound by what nine people say in perpetuity.”

Santorum was not specific about how he would go about “fighting” the Supreme Court. However, the Box of Rocks feels this may be threatened retaliation to the Box’ assertion that with Santorum in the race, the Box is not the slowest thinker nor the least coherent candidate.

“If Santorum decides to fight the Court”, said the Box through a representative, “I hope he doesn’t throw rocks. That would be an insult to my community and a personal threat to my integrity.”

Just in: failed 2012 GOP candidate enters 2016 race

Timothy Kincaid

May 27th, 2015

We are proud to announce exclusively – here at Box Turtle Bulletin – that one of the more colorful candidates for the Republican Party nomination for President during the 2012 race is again pursuing the nation’s highest office.

“I am so delighted to be part of this challenging and thrilling competition”, said the Box of Rocks through his representative. “I considered not running this year, but now that I can be assured that I will never be the dumbest candidate nor the one likeliest to drive voters to select anyone-but-me, I am excited to participate. And I proudly proclaim that my good name is less sullied than at least one other candidate.”

In other news, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum has also formally announced his candidacy.

Breaking news: box of rocks will run for presidency in 2016

Timothy Kincaid

December 10th, 2014

The box of rocks has been silent for the past two years after winning no votes in the 2012 GOP presidential primary. A spokesman for the box explained that most people just think the box is dumb and there’s not much use in debating the point.

But now we hear that Rick Santorum will be running again for the Republican nomination, and he’s proved time and again to be dumber than a box of rocks. So far, he’s off to a great start. (WaPo)

Reflecting on how a presidential campaign could be different this time around, Santorum said: “We’re just obviously in a better place right now. Our message will be a lot more focused this time than it was last time.”

Well, obviously!

For now the box is not responding; but the spokesman assures us that if Santorum runs again then the box of rocks will reignite it’s campaign, and the box is sure to benefit by comparison.

Santorum: the Scouts’ Board of Directors are going to murder scouting

Timothy Kincaid

February 4th, 2013

From the man who thought he was going to be president: (World Net Daily – a very appropriate place for Rick Santorum)

Scouting prepares boys and teenagers to be virtuous men in a world that desperately needs men who are brave enough to stand up for those principles, to live by the moral code of the Scout Oath and Law and hold themselves to that standard – whether at the schoolyard or in the boardroom. Scouting may not survive this transformation of American society, but for the sake of the average boy in America, I hope the board of the Scouts doesn’t have its fingerprints on the murder weapon.

The Box of Rocks came out of retirement to note that wacky hyperbole is beneath its dignity.

Box of Rocks on Santorum’s acknowledgment of loss

Timothy Kincaid

April 10th, 2012

Rick Santorum has suspended his campaign. The final representative of the Box of Rocks presidential campaign has issued the following statement on the Rocks’ behalf:

Some months ago the campaign staff determined that the viability of our candidate’s campaign was non-existent. Rather than linger on in some delusional hope of convincing super-delegates to ignore the vote count or to put faith in Rush Limbaugh’s pointless assertions about it not being over until 1,144 delegates were committed, our candidate ceased campaigning.

Former Senator Rick Santorum is clearly dumber than our candidate.

However the Box of Rocks congratulates Sen. Santorum on his belated epiphany and praises his decision to stop making a fool of himself in public.

And noting that Sen. Santorum seems to have no skills that would serve him well in the private sector, the Box of Rocks wishes him the very best of luck and offers the following advice: although it may seem that the next logical step is to take the helm of an SPLC listed hate group, the Rocks advise against this move. In the long run, obscurity is preferable to infamy.

Santorum wins in Iowa!! (kinda)

Timothy Kincaid

January 19th, 2012

“Wasn’t that weeks ago?” you may be wondering. “And didn’t Romney win by 8 votes?”

Mitt Romney 30,015
Rick Santorum 30,007

Well, that was with 100% of the precincts counted. But now that the Iowa Republican Party leadership has officially “lost” eight precincts, the official winner is Rick Santorum:

Rick Santorum 29,839
Mitt Romney 29,805

No, I’m not making this up. In a scenario that could only be dreamed up by Dodgson, the leadership of the Republican Party in the great state of Iowa have “officially” declared Santorum to have received more votes than Romney in their (meaningless) caucus tally. (WaPo)

“It’s done,” said a party spokesman, who asked that his name not be used. About the missing votes, he said: “We never got ‘em. We tried to track ‘em down, and for whatever reason, we don’t have them.”

Romney graciously chose not to debate the validity of a tally based on “lost” ballots, saying, “The results from Iowa caucus night revealed a virtual tie . . .We once again recognize Rick Santorum for his strong performance in the state.”

But in characteristic manner, Rick Santorum gloated.

This latest defeat of Governor Romney in Iowa is just the beginning, and Rick Santorum is committed to continuing the fight as the clear, consistent conservative voice in this race.

I’m guessing that Rick Santorum actually believes that when they lose your opponents votes, it means that you’ve “defeated” him. The Box of Rocks, which has been enjoying some quiet time with its family, said through a spokesman, “I really pity that man. He is dumber than… well… it’s hard to come up with a comparison.”

Santorum affirms all relationship, Box of Rocks is disgusted

Timothy Kincaid

January 16th, 2012

Rick Santorum doesn’t hate gay people. Why, some of Rick’s friends’ neighbor’s cousin’s relatives are gay. So of course he doesn’t hate gay people and his wife can tell you so.

When a mother asked what to tell her son, Mrs. Santorum told her to blame her son. (Examiner)

Karen Santorum, Rick’s wife, answered first. “I think it’s very sad what the gay activists have done out there; they vilify him, and it’s so wrong,” she said. “Rick does not hate anyone.” Mrs. Santorum noted that opponents “can’t even find one example” of her husband hating gay people.

Rick Santorum cast his opposition gay marriage as a “public policy difference,” lamenting that “some see that public policy difference as a personal assault.”

Santorum then chimed in with some fascinating statements:

“There’s all sorts of other relationships that people have, and they are valuable relationships — whether they are amorous relationships or friendship relationships or familial relationships — they’re all important, they all have value they all should be affirmed,” Santorum added. “But that does not mean that we should change the laws to order — to create an atmosphere where children and families are not being promoted.”

The Box of Rocks vehemently disagrees with Rick Santorum on this issue. The Rocks do NOT think all relationships have value or should be affirmed.

For example, the Box of Rocks will never affirm ‘man on child’ relationships, which Santorum is on record as equating to same-sex relationships. The spokesman for the Box of Rocks noted, “That Rick Santorum is a pretty sick puppy. And I don’t mean in the ‘man on dog’ way.”

Maggie Gallagher endorses Rick Santorum

Timothy Kincaid

January 16th, 2012

National Organization for [Catholic] Marriage’s Maggie Gallagher has endorse Pope Rick, as was anticipated. In doing so, she had far less to say about his policies or qualifications than she did about the meanies who are mocking the candidate:

They will go after him not just to defeat Rick Santorum, but to smear his good name, to associate it with their own muck, to take a decent and honorable man and try literally to make his name mean mud.

Oh, Maggie, no one is trying to literally make his name mean mud! Even a box of rocks knows that.

The box of rocks is very familiar with mud and considers mud to be a good friend. But it tries to keep a garden hose handy if there is any chance of coming in contact with santorum.

Box of Rocks on Pope Rick

Timothy Kincaid

January 15th, 2012

20120115-162432.jpg

In response to the ecclesiastical selection of Rick Santorum as the exalted one, the boxs of rocks didn’t have much to say. However a spokesman noted that the Box of Rocks has little support from the theocratic minded as it generally tries to avoid those who are likely to cast the first stone.

Rocking the sweater vest

Timothy Kincaid

January 13th, 2012

Noting that sweater vests are the source of Rick Santorum’s power, the box of rocks thought it would try out the fashion article.

General consensus: the box didn’t seem any more intelligent, and the sweater vest made the rocks look fat.

Another good day for the box of rocks, not so great for Santorum

Timothy Kincaid

January 12th, 2012

This year Ohio Republicans changed the method by which delegates to the national nominating convention are selected. Rather than “winner takes all”, each of 16 congressional district will send three delegates based on the winner of that district. An additional 18 delegates are selected proportionately from the statewide vote (provided that the candidate gets at least 20 percent of the vote) for a total of 66 delegates.

That’s more than can be counted on your fingers and toes, and it seems that Rick Santorum got a bit confused. (Politico)

All six major GOP candidates have been certified and will appear on the Ohio ballot, according to a list released by the Ohio secretary of state’s office today. But Rick Santorum, the release said, did not file delegates in the 6th, 9th or 13th congressional districts — and loses his chance at getting any delegates in those districts.

When asked about the issue, the bocks of rocks opted not to comment.

Santorum challenges box of rocks for the imbecile vote

Timothy Kincaid

January 11th, 2012

20120111-165713.jpg

Chafing at the Box of Rocks’ showing in New Hampshire, Rick Santorum was quick today to prove that he – not a box of rocks – is the truly stupid candidate this year. (WSJ)

In South Carolina, Mr. Santorum plans to hit Mr. Romney on issues like championing “Romneycare,” the health-care law he advocated and signed as governor of Massachusetts and “signing marriage licenses for homosexual couples,” said Mr. Gidley [Santorum’s national spokesman].

The Box of Rocks’ national spokesman marveled at that comment, noting that governors don’t sign marriage licenses.

What New Hampshire Means

Jim Burroway

January 11th, 2012

As with Iowa, not much in national terms, but for different reasons. It remains to be seen whether New Hampshire or Iowa will stand out as an anomaly. But it may mean something in state politics where there are murmurings that the state legislature may take up a bill repealing that state’s marriage equality law. If state lawmakers looked to these results as an indication of their own electoral futures, they may notice that two of the three top finishers have kept the National Organization for Marriage at arm’s length. Yes, Romney signed and won the primary, but 40% of the the GOP’s own voters backed candidates who didn’t. What’s more, audiences openly booed Santorum’s making Teh Gays a central talking point of his campaign, making that the most visible indication of how Granite Staters feel about anti-gay politics.

Whether that matters in the state legislature or not however isn’t a given. State Sen. Kelly Ayotte (R) seems to understand the temperature of the state electorate, and warned the GOP candidates to avoid discussing the state’s effort to repeal its 2009 marriage equality law, declaring such talk “off message” even though she herself is a staunch opponent of marriage and adoption rights for same-sex couples, having resigned as Attorney General in protest after Governor John Lynch signed the marriage equality bill into law. But social conservatives have an amazing capacity for self-delusions of power and grandeur. Gingrich’s victory speech last night, which didn’t mention Romney’s inconvenient existence, had Gingrich crowning himself the winner of “the conservative primary” as he all but measured the White House’s drapes. And in a related late-breaking development, a box of rocks moved ahead to edge him out of his third place finish. Meanwhile Perry has already saddled up for South Carolina after pulling out an upset victory over the write-in candidates. Santorum is already there as well, where he hopes his Iowa streak will leave a mark.

Romney Again

Jim Burroway

January 10th, 2012

The results are in for last night’s New Hampshire GOP Primary. There weren’t too many surprises with the final results: Romney, as expected, came in with a strong first place showing. Given that he was governor of neighboring Massachusetts, he was practically a native son in political terms, making his strong showing unsurprising. Also, as expected, Ron Paul came in second. Huntsman was expected to do well in the state, having put all of his eggs in the Granite State basket. He came in third, and it’s not clear where his campaign goes from here.

Gingrich came up short, pulling on only 10% of the vote, as further evidence of his rapidly dropping popularity. A Box of Rocks came on surprisingly strong, ahead of Santorum and Perry. Cowboy Perry barely outpaced the write-ins to finish at the rear, with Santorum settling in just a short distance up it.

And that’s a wrap at BTB Elections Central for New Hampshire. Now it’s on to South Carolina where the fun really begins.

Box of Rocks begins exploratory committee

Timothy Kincaid

January 10th, 2012

I just received this. I guess it means the box of rocks is encouraged by comparison to Santorum and is exploring its options.

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